Matt Damon is hot

Does it make me sound like I'm 12 years old if I say Matt Damon is hot? I was flippin channels tonight and Saving Ryan's Privates, I mean Saving Private Ryan was on. Matt Damon is such a cutie.

So, it's Memorial Day weekend and I think I have lost several brain cells. I was trying to remember the purpose of Memorial Day. Is it a vetern thing or a any-deceased-person thing? YES, I took American History and actually got an A. I just can't recall the schlup behind this holiday.

My friend Alexis called tonight. She's having her bachelorette party the first weekend in July and wants me to come to Detroit. Oh Lordy....Her wedding is Labor Day weekend and I'm pretty sure I'm going. I also fear her wrath if I DON'T go. I'm not so sure about the b party though. I better make a lot of money on my garage sale next weekend. Between school, house repairs (damn washing machine and yard), weddings, vacation,....I'm poor.

Life...........

Who inspires you?

This afternoon I was reading the InSpire magazine, the alumni/ae publication of Princeton Theological Seminary. Each issue they showcase feedback & letters to a question posed in the previous issue. So, this had many stories of who inspired and helped shape these pastors and religious leaders.
It started me thinking (scary, I know) about who my inspirations were/are. So, I pose the question to you--my readers--who has inspired you and how? Family and close friends don't count. Well, of course they count...but we all have an inner circle like that.....
My inspiration from childhood/teenage land are different than my ones from adulthood. Yes, I'll answer my own question but I need some time to think about it.

resolutions

Is it too late to make my New Year's resolutions? Oh wait, it's May, isn't it? Damn.
Ok, well, I'm making a couple anyway. Maybe I should call them "determinations" instead of "resolutions." I am determined to start singing 30 minutes a day. My voice is just not up to par and I need the outlet that singing provides for me. I am also determined to rid my life of stupid people. No names.
I am not too happy with my Effexor right now. I don't think it's working but I've been on it for a couple of years so maybe it's lost it's oomph. My anxiety level is so freakin high that I say freakin all the time. I've always been a worrier, it's just my nature. But now, my anxiety keeps me up nights and makes my brain race and race and race. It's tiring. I feel like I'm watching the little hampster run circles in my head. Therapy, I know. :-) I think this is why I'm going to MSW school---so I can therapize myself. That's not a word, is it? I want to be a therapist so I can charge as much as mine did. I went to see someone, only gone once so far, and she charged me $105. Jeez. Didn't she see the "social worker" block filled out on my papers? Doesn't $105 seem a little high? I mean, this is OKC. You East Coast people don't get to pipe in on this discussion--you pay too much for everything.
I'm rambling aren't I? I didn't ramble before. I've only started rambling in the past year or so. It's Friendly Bunny's fault--he's ALWAYS rambling. I love him, don't get me wrong, but Bunny can ramble.
See, it's the anxiety talking. I'm wired and I haven't had any caffine since early this afternoon. No coffee. No alcohol and no drugs. Imagine what I would be like if I WERE on alcohol. Oh my.
Ok, I'll sign off because this post is pointless.

Mother's Day

Just got home from church...being the good kid I am. :-) I find it interesting that the subject of Mom and Mother's Day didn't really come up in the service. I agree that it's basically a holiday created by Hallmark or some other corporate group, but I feel like the Mom's should have been acknowledged or something. I've been asked 3 times today if I have called my Mom. I find it amusing to watch people's reactions when I tell them I don't have a Mom anymore. They get the hint that my Mom is deceased and they just don't know how to react. I want to say, I called her but she just won't answer the phone. That would be mean, wouldn't it? I appreciate my sense of humor even if no one else does.

The client that I blogged about earlier this week....he died Saturday night about 11pm. The family called me and I met them up at the hospital. It was time to turn him over to God and we did that. Services will be in a few weeks. It will be good to remember, laugh, and gather his friends and family together one last time.

You know, I just thought of it....I am a Mom. I am Mommy to a wonderful kitty named Aspasia. It's my day after all! Happy Mother's Day to me.

Need vs. Want

I NEED a vacation. I WANT sanity. I don't think I'm getting either one. I can't tell you how badly I need some time off/time away from work and *stuff*. Because funds are way low, I can't really go anywhere but I'm thinking of taking several days off and just being at home. I also need to have a garage sale. My anxiety level is sky rocketing and last night I developed an itching condition. Like, it felt like little bugs or something roaming all over me and I about went crazy trying to scratch. Of course, the more I scratched the more I itched. Argghhh...even now just thinking about it makes me itch. Is this what being crazy feels like? Where's the good drugs? I need Xanax.

Strange reality

I have a hard time taking compliments. Don't analyze that statement, I don't want to hear about it. I'm just stating a fact. And, it's a rare thing that I will talk about what I'm good at (of course, it's much easier to talk about what I'm BAD at). But, I'm going to talk about myself, so there!
As most of my readers (all 5 of you) know, I'm a HIV/AIDS social worker. I've been doing this a long time and was doing caregiving on a volunteer basis even before this. I know, glutton for punishment or something....
There's really no comprehensive job description for what my co-workers and I do. We just do whatever needs to be done. Sometimes, this involves silly mounds of paperwork, referrals to worthless resources, and the endless advocacy for money and medicine.
I can't fathom what it's like to be a client--to allow a case manager/social worker into my life and rely on that person for my life sustaining medications and services. When I stop to think about it, it's fairly humbling. I will freely admit that we sometimes get attached to our clients. After all, we're human. Well, I'm human, I'm not so sure about my other two co-workers.

Over the years I have lost several clients to the disease, it's just part of it all. Right now I have a very dear client ill and in the hospital. A few weeks ago he called me to come over and discuss end of life issues with him. He calmly accepts that this might be the end for him. I admire this person greatly because he has always been outspoken and comfortable with himself as a person living with AIDS. He is intelligent, funny, and loving.
Tonight I visited him in ICU and we chatted just a bit. He's still showing some hope and will to live. I don't know what will happen in the next few days and weeks and I don't dare speculate. But whatever happens, I know he will be at peace because he's at peace with himself and those around him.
Yes, these situations are difficult---for the patient and their families. Yet, I surprise myself. I realized tonight that I am good at what I do. I am calm. My voice radiates compassion and love. I know that the act of "touch" can provide comfort. I am not afraid. I realize that I draw on my inner strength as well as my spiritual foundation and use that strength to minister to my clients. Even though I left the ministry a long time ago, I am still ministering.

The transition from this life to everlasting is an amazing & beautiful journey. That may sound strange but if you have never witnessed transition then you may not understand.
I will grieve if I lose this patient. After all, I AM human. But, my comfort comes from God and yes, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I guess my prayer tonight is a simple one: God be with all those ill and in pain, God be with this client and his family, and God continue to bless me with an open heart and caring hands.

Goodbye, Louis Rukeyser

I just read in the NY Times online that financial tv show host, Louis Rukeyser, died Tuesday. For many years he was the host of "Wall Street Week" on PBS. I have to admit, I'm kind of sad. You see, in my house, the tv was usually on CNN or PBS. My stepfather was a Wall Street Week junkie. The show aired on Friday night and was replayed at 12:30 on Sunday afternoon. We watched it both times. Every Sunday after church, my stepdad would go by and pick up Broasted Chicken and we would sit around the table to eat. At 12:29 the tv was on. cranked up full volume, and he was glued to the show.
As a teenager I never really got into the show. I mean, come on, they were talking stocks, bonds, and money. I didn't want to know what the dollar did that week--I just wanted to spend it!
However, the theme song to Wall Street Week is a memory stuck in my head. I remember when I was living in New Jersey, I sometimes would get a little homesick. One Sunday I turned on Wall Street Week to hear the theme and I felt better. Memories.......

Go rest high Mr. Rukeyser.

Free at last, free at last!

First I was afraid, I was petrified....

Ok, no more bad cliches. I freakin passed my statistics final and ended up with a B in the class. I am VERY happy with this score. It was a tough class and I'm glad it's over. I have to say that I did like the professor. He wasn't always the best at explaining the info, but he was so energetic about it. You have to give him points for enthusiasm.

So, I guess this means I'm all set to start my MSW in the fall.

Speaking of school.....my oldest nephew, Brett, graduates high school this spring. It's hard to believe that he's 18. He has decided to go to Seton Hall (that's in South Orange, NJ for those that don't know). Good school. I'm way proud of him. Wow...college. Makes me feel old. :-)

It's strange to not have to study. Jodie & I have spent so much time at Panera and Barnes & Noble this semester. Yes, she passed as well. Yay for us.

Now if only I can win the lottery..........

Stress

Isn't blue supposed to be a peaceful color? We'll see if it works. I am a stress ball right now. My damn statistics final is on Monday and I am so ready for it to be over. Jodie and I have been studying and reading our little hearts out but we still feel clueless about this junk. I mean, the test is only going to be over chapters 1-22. That's all. Jeez.

I had a dream the other night that I was being a counselor at church camp though I was still studying for the stats exam. In the dream, my grandmother died & my mom came to camp to get me. We go to my grandmother's funeral and in the midst of all the mourning I realize I just can't take the exam. I ask my mother, a professor, to write me a note for my professor, but she says no!! She tells me that nothing should get in the way of my education and to go ahead and take the test.
Now, there are a couple of things wrong with this dream. First of all, my grandmother has been gone for a LONG time and my mom has been gone for a while too. It's kind of strange to dream about them. Second, if someone in my family passes away, screw the test! And three....ok, there is no other point to make. My dreams are just bizarre.

My anxiety level is high but I am TRYING not to go completely shizzle. I've been in this insomnia cycle for about 2 1/2 months now and am really tired of it. It would be nice to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night.

Once the test is over Jodie and I are "unwinding." That means alcohol.

Wish me luck!

Jesus Hops

It's Easter...like the good kid I pretend to be, I went to church this morning. It was a decent service although the pianist stays about 2 beats ahead of the congregation. Drives me nuts.

Anyhoo----I ended up sleeping alllll day Saturday. I mean, ALL day. I went to bed about 3am Sat morning and woke up at 8 pm Saturday evening. I guess I was really tired. When I sleep hard like that I tend to have vivid dreams. The one I really remember relates to Easter and Jesus and all that jazz. I dreamed that Jesus was dressed up in a Bunny suit and that song "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West was playing.....only it was "Jesus Hops." In part of the dream I was in church and they rolled in this huge tiered cake and Jesus bursts through (bunny suit on) as we're singing Christ The Lord is Risen Today.

Strange, strange dream..........No, I wasn't drinking. Lol.

Happy Easter folks!

Bummed

It's been a couple of days of things not going my way. The universe should have figured out by now that it's MY way or the highway. Why can't the world just bow down to me? Is that asking soooo much?

I didn't fail my Statistics test but I didn't get the grade I wanted.

I was not chosen for an interview with the General Comission on Religion & Race job that I verrryyyy much wanted.

Some annoying little kid & his grandma talked through the whole concert at the philharmonic tonight.

I feel like Eeyore tonight. Maybe that's my cue to take a bath and go to bed.

peace.........

Alas, my beloved, JK......

Received a phone call today that my beloved John Kerry has to postpone his trip to OKC this weekend. Apparently there's pressing political business in D.C. that he has to tend to. Understandable......the event has been rescheduled for May 6th, so I'll still get to hang with him! Woo hoo. I just adore Senator Kerry and would do just about anything for him. What impresses me the most is that one of his staff members called me today to tell me about the change in plans. I had been communicating with her, helping coordinate the visit and help in any way needed. It was nice of her to call me personally. So, I must be a little more patient and then I will finally get to see my JK again.

Hello? Test Gods?

Are you there God? It's me, Rachel. Yeah, hi. Sooooo....I have this Statistics exam today and as you know I'm not feeling so great about it. I'm not asking for anything big, like a power outage across the city of Norman or a big flock of birds to carry off the professor....I'd just like a little help with the test. Hey, maybe if You know the answer (well of course You know the answer but if You'd like to shareeee the answer) you could make my pencil roll or something subtle. I'll take any help You'd like to give.

Oh, sorry I missed church yesterday but I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Wait, wrong response.....
Sorry I missed church yesterday but I had that darn retreat for Cimarron. Hope you understand.

Thanks God, or thanks be to God.....

Rachel

Step aside for Chutney

I invite my faith-ful/faith-less readers to read a blog posting by my friend Chance. He and I were religion majors in college and have maintained a friendship over the years. A lot of us religion majors have struggled with our "calling" to church work and have fought for self-independence within churches that seem to encourage dependence on everything but ourselves.
His experience is very different from my own but I identify with a lot of what he says. I must admit that his story makes me uncomfortable as well, because it brings to mind my own issues & circumstances of stepping away from ordination and my calling.

Visit Chance's blog at
www.makingchutney.com
It's a good read.

Shalom........

If you can't say something nice...

come sit next to me.......
Isn't that the line from Steel Magnolias? What a fabulous movie.

Ok, I know I haven't posted much lately. I HAVE been rather busy with work and school (damn statistics class). The month of March is our busiest month of the year at work so I've mostly been treading water to keep up with all that needs to be done.

But, there's another reason that I haven't posted much. I originally created this blog as a little insight to the (warped) mind of Rachel, my life, my chaos. Actually, I decided it would be a good way to keep my long distance friends & family abreast on what is going on with me. Then, stupid me, TOLD people about the blog and now (damn it) people actually READ the stupid thing. Sigh. So, now if I get aggravated/frustrated/want to shake the life out of others I can't post it here because that person/persons/people might read it! I've created a monster.

I've been attempting to keep my emotions and homicidal tendencies in check lately so thaaaaat's the reason why I haven't posted much. Maybe I should have given up blogging for Lent. I gave up cursing (obviously that hasn't gone so well) and of course I always give up Trina (a Kappa Phi tradition from college).

And NO, Friendly Bunny, you are not on my list. I like you. Today. Get text messaging.

Peace out people..............

Church

I'm enjoying my little church, Clegg UMC. When I say little, I mean little...we had 45 in worship today, which is standard. I would prefer a bit larger congregation but there is certainly community amongst a group this small. There's a member of the church who has been very sick for the past several months. I'm still unclear as to what the chief medical problem is but he's had setback after setback. Now, this man fell sick right before I started attending so I've never met him but I feel like I know him by the way the whole church talks about him. Every week a couple of people say oh yes, I saw David on this day or that day. Each week at least 2 emails go out on his condition. I've been in churchs/groups before where someone gets sick or is absent for a long period of time and eventually they drift out of collective consciousness. I don't think it's done out of malice, but it just happens. This David person seems to have such an impact on our congregation and they are always visiting him, praying for him, and being there for his family. I hope that I someday get to meet this gentleman because his absence is felt, even by me, and a community of faith is stronger because of him.

After church this morning I was visiting with the organist, Kay, as we try and find something for me to sing in worship. We were thumbing through our hymnal supplement, which is not used on a regular basis in this congregation. I commented that I had a supplement at home and I would continue browsing for a song. Kay looked at me kind of funny and asked why I had one of these booklets. I thought for a moment and then replied that I'm kind of a church nerd....I was the kid who read through the hymnal and tried learning most of the songs. I guess I really am a church nerd.....I'm ok with that self-imposed label. There are worse things to be, right? Like, male. Just kidding. :-)

Red Tie 2006

This past Saturday night, March 4th, was Red Tie Night 2006. Red Tie is the annual fundraiser for the Oklahoma AIDS Care Fund, a most wonderful non-profit that gives a lot of $$$ to HIV/AIDS in Oklahoma. Every year the event gets bigger and bigger, approxmiately 950 people attended this year. They do a fabulous live auction that generates thousands and thousands and I can't imagine where these ppl get the money to spend!!! So, this year I asked my step-pappy and my step-sis to attend with me. They had a great time (as I knew they would) and my stepdad flirted with every straight female he could find! It was amusing. I was very proud to introduce them to my colleagues and friends. My family really hasn't had the opportunity, or taken the opportunity, to discover MY world so this was my chance to show them around. You know, I didn't realize it until just now, but I guess I'm pretty proud of some of the things I've done and work I've accomplished and I wanted my family to understand a little more of me. Hmmmm....

Lent

Well, the season of Lent has begun. I was able to attend an Ash Wednesday service in the hospital chapel. I forgot about the ashes on my forehead until I started noticing people staring at me. One of the workers in the cafeteria asked me if it was a scar. I find it amusing how many folks around here don't know or understand the meaning of Ash Wednesday or Lent.
So, I did give up something for Lent.....every time I curse, I have to put 25cents in a jar for charity. I just don't like hearing those curse words come out of my mouth (well, sometimes they are justified but not always). So, I have a feeling I'll be earning a good amount of $ for some charity. And as always, at the beginning of Lent I called my Kappa Phi little sister, Trina, and reminded her that I was once again giving her up for Lent. We always laugh about that.

So, in this time of self-sacrifice and contemplation I attempt to correct my language and be a little nicer in my approach to others.

Statistics update...

Just got home from Statistics class....that B i got on my test...turns out it's a HIGH B...an 87! Yay for me.

One down

My first Statistics exam was Monday and I actually passed!! Woo hoo! I got a B which I am extremely happy with. Now I just have to learn all the stuff that I missed so I don't get behind.

Was in Philadelphia over the weekend for a Young Dems meeting. I have SO much fun at these events. We work all day, socialize half the night, and do it all over again the next day. It's a wonder I come away from those things with any brain cells. Thankfully, I can usually sleep on the airplane so I'm not completely exhausted by the time I get home. I really had to behave this weekend because I had to study for my exam. Talk about dedication!!

After I took my test and found out my grade, I called my friend Chris in Tennessee to relay the good news. He said there's something to be learned from all this....Of course, stupid me had to inquire as to what that was....He said, "that I'm always right. I told you that you would do well and you did. So, I'm always right." Jeez. Men. lol.

Gimmie gimmie gimmie

Happy Valentine's Day. Stupid holiday. lol.

Tonight I put in the mail an application for a job I really really want. I mean, I really really really want this job. It's as the Associate General Secretary of the NE Jurisdiction, within the United Methodist Commission on Religion & Race. How's that for a title? The Associate Secretary oversees projects on religion and race, anti-racism, etc, for the NE states. How amazing would that be?!?! It's based out of Washington, D.C. but travel is a big requirement. Have I mentioned that I really want this position??
I knew I had to apply for this. I may not even get an interview, but if I didn't apply I knew I would regret it. I still have my plans to start school in the fall but if I were to get this position school could be put on hold for a few years.

I'm such a princess....I want to call up this office and tell them to go ahead and hire me now. I don't like to wait, I don't like to be told no. I KNOW I'm right for this job.

We'll see......I won't know anything for a couple of months.

Dad

Today, February 13, 2006, is the anniversary of when my father died. With this anniversary, Dad has been gone from my life longer than he was in it. Strange.
But, I choose to remember the good because the past is the past and there's no changing it. He was my father, I loved him, and I love him still.

What went wrong?

Sometimes I think news reporters aren't the brightest bears in the woods. I know they are supposed to sensationalize stories and use dramatics to pull in viewers. But, it gets a little ridiculous at times. Case in point: today, February 12th, our wonderful Vice President Dick Cheney accidently shot a fellow hunter while gaming for quail. A reporter on our local ABC station excitedly reported, "Dick Cheney accidently shot a friend on a hunting trip today in Texas. What went wrong?" Um, he SHOT the old guy standing BEHIND him. THAT'S what went wrong. I'm sorry, but isn't Cheney supposed to have a heart condition? That shouldn't affect his eyesight, right? So tell me how a 78 year old white guy looks like a covey of quail?? I don't get it.
I'm glad the dude is ok but if it were me I'd be holding this over Cheney's head for a long time. Maybe send him postcards with pictures of all the quail that are native to the U.S. Or comparison shots....the flying thing is a BIRD, the walking thing with a gun, glasses, cellphone, and hair is a MAN.

I'm enjoying this too much, aren't I?

Slip of the tongue

I was in a board meeting tonight for the Cimarron Alliance Foundation. We were briefly discussing the cost of bringing in big name/celebrity speakers, like for a lecture series or fundraiser. One person suggested/named was former Sec of State, Madeline Albright. It was noted that her speaking price was probably at least $50,000, to which one board member loudly exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" I immediately turned to that board member and said, "yeah, we can probably get him for less."

Everyone burst into laughter and I realized that I had actually said my comment outloud, instead of in my head with all the other evil thoughts.

Chutney has taught me well (www.makingchutney.com)

Homework

I'm taking a Statistics class this semester, at the University of Oklahoma. I guess this makes me officially a Sooner. (blah)
I have not been a student since 1998 and let me tell you, this homework junk is killing me. I spent 2 1/2 hours doing homework problems tonight and I'm STILL not done.

One of my stepfather's favorite quips is:
You know there's three types of lies-
there's lies, damn lies, and statistics. He wanted me to tell that one to the professor. Thank goodness I never listen to what my stepdad tells me to do.

Good times. If you need me, I'll be studying.

In memory of Russell

Russell Dyer, age 41. Died-Monday, January 23. Melanoma of the brain.
I am going to have to let my memories serve as his tribute because my heart hurts too much to write them. All I can say is I love(d) you.

No more blogs for a while folks....

Humbled

The funeral for our friend Shelly is tomorrow, Saturday the 21st. I have been agonizing all week because of a conflict in schedule. The major board I sit on, Cimarron Alliance Foundation, had scheduled their 2-day retreat for this weekend and I was very torn as to where to go/what to do. I wanted to be there for Shelly's service yet also need/want to be at the retreat b/c this is part of my future in OKC. Then, just a few minutes ago, the chair of my board called and said we have to cancel the retreat because our facilitator can't get here. Wow. Ok God--I get the sign. Thanks for intervening. Now I can go do what my heart needs to do.

Hiding

my previous post is deceptive because it appears that i am calm and accepting of this death. i'm not. right now i'm really angry and sad and overwhelmed.

peace for Shelly

This morning a friend, Shelly Douglass McComber, passed away. She was a very close friend to my stepsister and her husband is a close friend to my stepbrother. Our families have been linked for a long time. I struggle with how to remember/honor her with words because there's so many ways to describe her--yet who she was cannot be summed up in words. I think I have to just leave it with this prayer and ask for strength and patience as those who knew Shelly struggle through their grief.

We give back to you, O God, this one whom you gave to us. You did not lose her when you gave her to us and we do not lose her by her return to you. Your dear Son has taught us that life is eternal and love cannot die, so death is only a horizon and a horizon is only the limit of our sight. Open our eyes to see more clearly and draw us close to you that we may know that we are nearer to our loved ones, who are with you. You have told us that you are preparing a place for us; prepare us also for that happy place, that where you are we may also be always, O dear Lord, of life and death. --William Penn

The Waiting Room

I think I am going to write a novel and call it The Waiting Room. Have you ever spent time in an ER waiting room??? Talk about diversity. There are some freaky people in hospitals (yours truly does not count). See, several years ago I broke my left leg and also twisted my knee/knee cap out of place. Every once in a while if I turn my knee just so that damn knee cap slips out of place and I buckle. Hurts like I can't describe. So, this morning I'm getting ready for work and I do an ordinary thing and boom--knee goes out. I fell. Yelled. Cursed. Usually the knee cap slips back into place when it does this little dance but today it decided to be stuck. I eventually got to work, taking tiny little steps that didn't require any bending. It hurt all day long.....leg swelled up, was quite painful. I called my dr's office for an urgent care appointment and the SOONEST they could get me in would be January 17th. Uh, no. I do NOT like this doctor's office and I'm switching soon. Anyhoo---the nurse advises I go to the ER so off I go. I went to Baptist and the wait was approximately 6 hours to even SEE someone. I trotted over to Deaconess and only had to wait 3 1/2 hours to be seen. X-rays showed that my knee cap was on the left side of my knee so the doctor pushed it back into place, wrapped it, and sent me home. Still hurts. Still swollen, but at least I can bend my knee. I'm on orders to stay off it for a day or two and let it strengthen up or else I'm prone to injuring it again. Good times.
So that's my day............
Thanks for driving me home at 12:30am Gaila. I owe you.

A prayer for Shelly

For Shelly, her husband Greg, their families & friends-

Compassionate God of love, You know us and call us by name.
Be with Shelly as the time for passing from earth to heaven seems near.
Replace our fear, facing the mystery of life with faith
in Your divine care for us.
Give her peace of mind and heart.
Soften any pain and suffering with Your gentle healing hand.
We ask this through Jesus, the Christ,
who suffered and died for us.
Amen

Thea

My sweet little kitten, Thea, died today. I couldn't find her this morning and noticed Aspasia pacing in and out of the bathroom. Thea was under the vanity, which was her napping place of late. I had put a towel under there so the tile wouldn't chill her. I don't know what happened but I suspect she had another seizure. I've never seen one of my pets actually deceased (goldfish don't count). She was such a playful cat, actually she was still a kitten. She was only 7-8 months old. I have to take comfort in that she had a good home here and was loved. It still hurts though....
Aspasia keeps looking for Thea. I put out a paper bag for Aspasia, which seems to be a comfort space for her. I guess we both have to grieve a little.

I love you Miss Thea. Thanks for being my kitten.

Brokeback Mountain

Yes, the controversial & wonderful film, Brokeback Mountain, premiered in Oklahoma City tonight. It was largely anticipated that we would NOT get the film, being the Bible Belt and redneck state that we are. But, a local media guy put his staff to task and approximately 500 ppl saw the film tonight. HardNews Online (www.hnokc.com) gave free passes to those wanting to see the film. It was fun standing in line and seeing lots of friends and acquaintances gather for this movie. The theater was packed, almost every seat filled, and it was the most well-behaved crowd I've ever seen. It was so quiet in there--everyone was fixated on the movie. No one talked. No cell phones rang. We all laughed at the same places and lots of sniffling could be heard during the dramatic parts. It was quite powerful to all experience the movie together.

The movie itself was pretty good. It's a beautiful love story and you truly get caught up in the LOVE part and not so much the "oh yeah they're gay" portion.

It was a good evening.

Movie: Crash

Watched an amazing movie off Pay Per View tonight, called Crash. The cast is star filled and a few notable names are Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, and Brendan Fraser. The movie has several mini plots going and they skip from vignette to vignette, but it's easy to follow and keep the characters straight. The story is basically about racial tensions and mistrust, mistrust of those who are "different" than us and even mistrust of ourselves. Characters wrestle with standing up for what they think/know is right, with accepting blame for their own actions, and accepting kindness from others (with no ulterior motive).
What kept ringing in my head is how we humans easily sin, seek redemption, are granted redemption, and sin all over again. (I use Christian terminology because that is my own background). Each of the characters had a struggle asking forgiveness and when that forgiveness/redemption was granted, they had a difficult time accepting it.

I realized that my own life is a lot like that...I have a hard time asking forgiveness and an even worse time accepting my redemption. And of course, I sin all over again and again and again. The bigger question (for me) is, can I forgive myself as easily as God forgives me? I'm not sure what my answer to that question is. I am hardest on myself.

I highly recommend this movie, Crash. It will make you think. If it doesn't make you think then there's something wrong with you.

Peace

In memory of MJ

I attended a funeral today in Lawton for MJ, my mother's long time secretary/assistant. MJ died unexpectedly last Friday from what appears to be a blood clot. She was a strong Catholic and the funeral mass was lovely. Her brother, a monk, did several readings and reflected on her life and her children all layed a flower on the altar for her. I had to giggle a bit to myself some though...MJ despised being called by her given name, Mary Jane. She ALWAYS went by MJ. But, the priest, as I'm sure is proper order of service, kept referring to her as Mary Jane through the Mass. I could just imagine MJ cringing or shooting eye daggers every time "Mary Jane" was said.

Towards the end of the service one of the daughters read a modified version of the children's book, "I Love You Forever." They added in personal tidbits about themselves and their mom and it made the story even that much more charming. As the daughter began reading, she said that a few years ago MJ had heard this story read at a funeral and she wanted it for hers.

Well, I choked up and tears just flowed as the story was read. At my mom's funeral 4 years ago my brother Dan surprised us all by reading that story (not a dry eye anywhere). MJ and my mom were very close and I consider it an honor that she wanted a piece of her service to reflect Mom's.

But, being there brings back a whole slew of memories that tear at my heart. I realize my Mom has been gone for a while but it's still difficult...no, heart wrenching, to bring up some of the memories and people from Mom's life. Several of the faculty members from Cameron were there. These are the people I grew up around--they were Mom's co-workers and friends. When I would call Mom at work I always talked to MJ first. I would go by and visit MJ even after Mom was gone. Losing her is like losing another piece of Mom and right now, in my moment of sadness, makes me miss Mom even more.

My grieve also for MJ and her family. She was well loved and raised a beautiful family of children and grandchildren. It was good to hug her daughters as we all remembered how much our mother's loved working with each other.

Shalom.

Good grief

Do you ever say the words "good grief" in the exasperated, sighing way that Charlie Brown said them? That's how I'm feeling at the moment. I am struggling with some grief/sadness over finding out that a friend just died and also learning that another friend is near death. I'm a very hands-on person and I need something to DO with my grief. I haven't figured out what would make me feel better though--writing a letter? Playing some music? Creating something artsy? I don' t know. I just have this pent up emotion that is driving me batty. Honestly, I'm looking for anything to distract me from reality. Sigh............good grief.

Disco inferno

The wildfires rage on in Oklahoma and Texas. My area of Oklahoma City is current unaffected but I think residents are beginning to understand just how vulnerable we all are. I live off of a busy street and motorists flicking cigarettes out a window are enough to set off a fire. It does make me kind of nervous.

This afternoon I went to an open house at a friend's. In the couple of hours from getting home from church and going to my friend's, the weather shifted dramatically. The wind had kicked up and was gusting between 20-25 mph. The eerie thing was the sky---it was hazy, dusty, and thick looking. Kind of hard to describe. The wind was certainly kicking around dirt and such but I suppose a lot of the coloring came from the wildfires burning nearby. Freaky.

I feel like I should dress up as Smokey the Bear and stand on a street corner with a sign saying "Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires." Man, I always liked Smokey the Bear.

3,2,1,1 Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year everyone!
I find it amusing that the news media made a big deal about how the time keeper people (can't remember at the moment who it is) added an extra second to the clock this year. Does one second really make that much difference in the world? I mean, I just wasted 45 seconds writing these paragraphs yet the world is no better and no worse for having endured it.

I don't generally make New Year's Resolutions because I, like most ppl, rarely follow through on those resolutions. It's like giving something up for Lent---if it doesn't happen then there's no consequence or aftermath. Though, I do still try to give up my Kappa Phi little sister, Trina, every year for Lent. It's tradition. :-) I think she still holds a grudge against me for when I gave her up for Lent back in 95 or 96. lol

So, my resolutions or intended resolutions for 2006:
Move out of Oklahoma
Cut down the shrubs in my backyard
Spend a little more time at home
and a couple of others I won't speak of right now.

Hope everyone has a safe and lovely beginning of the new year.

peace,

Movie review

Ah well, the title of the blog is a little deceptive because I'm not really going to tell you about the movie. I saw "The Family Stone" tonight, starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Luke Wilson, Diane Keaton and a host of other darlings.
Movie was good. Damn good. I didn't expect it to be. I laughed, cried, cried because I was laughing, laughed, and cried some more. My one note of warning: bring tissue or wear long sleeves.

Spend the 7 bucks. Go see it. If you hate it then I don't really care.

Christmas with the family

I spent a lovely Christmas with my brother, Rev. Dan, and his family, in New York (state not city). I had lots of play time with my nieces and nephews. Well, my nephews are too old to play, but we chatted and caught up. Dan's youngest is 5 and she is quite the artist. One night she had me coloring for 3 solid hours!! I'm telling you, Arts & Crafts have gotten complex since I was a kid.
My other brother, Lawyer David, and his family, came up on Christmas Eve day and hung out. It was so great to see everyone. Being there very much makes me want to move back East. We'll see what happens on the job front. Who knows....this time next year I may be hosting Christmas in my own little place.

Hope all my readers (all 5 of you) have a safe and blessed holiday season.

First Class Idiot

I bet you are thinking this is going to be a post about George W. Bush but it's not. It's actually about me.
So, just a little while ago I jetted off to a board meeting for The Winds House, a local HIV/AIDS charity. I get to where I think the mtg is supposed to be and no one is there. No cars. No lights on. Nothing. Hmmm. So I drive around the block but I'm thinking that this is strange because it was like, 5:57, and it's supposed to be a 6pm meeting. Of course, this ONE time, I have gone off and left my cell phone at home. After driving around the block like 3 times I realize I have to run home and call someone. I get home and the first person I call doesn't answer so then I call this guy, Jeff, whom I serve with on some other boards. I'm like Hey Jeff this is Rachel....where is this Winds House meeting supposed to be?? He pauses for a minute and says, "uh honey, it was at 1pm today." WHAT???? I SWEAR my e-mails said 6 pm. I wrote down 6pm. I put 6pm in my phone reminders. It was at 1pm???? Jeff laughed at me and I wished him a Merry Christmas. I give up. This board was just not meant to happen. Now what do I do with all the bread I'm stuck with???

Twas the Sunday before Christmas...

Ah hoy mates!
I'm not a pirate but I play one off the coast of Somalia.

Sooooooooooooo....
Today I joined a church!! I have been attending Leland Clegg UMC in Oklahoma City and I officially transfered my membership this morning. It's a sweet congregation, very small but friendly and welcoming to all backgrounds of people. It's a good place for me to be. Here's their website: http://www.gbgm-umc.org/lelandclegg/

This afternoon I participated in a Messiah Sing A Long and it was so much fun! I estimate that there were about 150 singers there and everybody brought along their own score of music. It's been a long time since I've done the Messiah so some parts were tough for me but it was good to sing.

I'm all done with Christmas shopping and have doled out presents to some family and to several friends. I have also received some very nice presents (thanks family) and though there's nothing in this world I truly NEED, it's nice to be thought of.

Off to a board meeting (The Winds House)....the chaos never ends!

Clemency denied

By the time anyone reads this post, another execution in the alleged name of justice will have occurred. At 12:01 PST, Stanley "Tookie" Williams will be executed by the State of California. Appeals for clemency were denied by the gov's office, the courts, and it seems the general media.
I make no statements about the guilt or innocence of this gentleman as I do not know him and do not know the circumtances of his convictions.
What I do know is my strong feeling that the death penalty is no deterrent to ANYTHING and only seems to fuel emotions and anger. I fear that after this execution there could be rioting which only leads to more divisions and pain.

When I've talked to people about this case, and other death penalty cases, it seems that many confuse what a grant of clemency means. Clemency is, in simplest terms, is stopping the act of execution and not letting it occur. A clemency is NOT a pardon. No one is advocating for this person to be released (which would be a pardon).
The act of execution is barbaric no matter how you look at it. How does this benefit anyone?

"People forget that redemption is tailor-made for the wretched."--Stanley Tookie Williams

God is with you. May God grant common sense and ethical standards to those of us left behind.

My friends hate my blog

Every once in a while I threaten to write about friends in my blog. Some freak, some don't. I usually end up writing about the ones who seem paranoid about showing up in the blog. So, this one is dedicated to Mr. Chris Anderson of Tennessee. Chris is one of my Young Democrats buddies. He is the current Vice President of Programs, the office I used to hold. He's much better at the job than I was and I'm ok with admitting that. We hung out quite a bit this weekend in Phoenix but I think he was just using me to get to my friend's bottle of Jack Daniels. :-)

I think Chris is absolutely paranoid that I am going to write something racy about him in this blog (all the more reason to drag this post out).

Hmm...let me air my critical bits about him
A. He works too much
B. He over analyzes every freakin situation
C. He likes wine and wine is nasty
D. Chris can talk and talk and talk and talk. Sometimes I think he forgets I'm actually on the other line. He likes the sound of his own voice.

Ok, enough about Chris. See, that wasn't so mean.

Yo ho and thar blows the snow

It's snowing in OKC! Woo hoo. You have to realize that we don't get a lot of snow in Oklahoma City. I mean, it's not a rarity or anything but we get all excited around here when it happens. So, today was the first snowfall of the year and it's so pretty. Kind of a bitch to drive in (when it gets icy) but hey, everything can't be perfect. Like me.

Happy Birthday to me!!

Oh, how lovely to be OLD. Thank you dear brother Dan for pointing this out to me.
Yes, I turned 31 this week. I had a such a fun birthday and I managed to extend the celebration over a few days. I was in Phoenix last weekend for the DNC/YDA meeting and of course we were festive! Actually, several YDA friends were having birthdays so Raul and I went out together on Friday night and I think we made other ppl buy us drinks. Yay for being the birthday girl.
Anysnooch.........on Monday, my actual birthday, my co-worker Gaila brought a cake to work (like we need an excuse to snack at work). Then, that evening Cindi had e-mailed some friends and we all went out to a new restaurant in OKC called Trattoria il Centro. It was great! It seemed much more like authentic Italian, not like Olive Garden fake Italian. Matt & Brandt picked me up & we all went to the restaurant together. It was a small group but fun. Thank you Tom, Brad, Cindi, Matt, Brandt, Kim, Susi, Kathy & Alisa for helping me celebrate. It was great fun! Afterward, I went back to Kathy & Matt's and we stayed up talking/laughing/partaking a bit. Actually, we laughed more than anything. I needed that. I forgot how healing laughter can be. So, it was a good birthday. :-) yay.

Democrats descend on Phoenix

Hello everyone-
I just returned from the winter Democratic National Committee meeting & Young Democrats of America meeting, held in sunny Phoenix. We had a grand weekend, tending to the business of our party, holding trainings and workshops, and enjoying one another's company. Nothing terribly earth shattering came out of the meeting but the rumors of who's running for president are certainly floating. I saw several Hillary '08 buttons and stickers, one for Mark Warner (Virginia), and I can't remember who else.
My room was an unofficial party room as I was able to get a suite at a reduced rate. Woo hoo. Kathy, Matt and I bunked there but we frequently had people stopping by. Of course, I think most were in search of the giant bottle of Jack Daniels that James was carting around. Craziness.
I'm sleepy so I'm off to load the washer and head to bed.
Peace!

Gasp! Horror!

It's Thanksgiving morning and I got up early to prepare for the days' festivities. After doing a few things around the house I hopped online to read the news and see what else is happening in the world.
The follow story caught my eye and I quickly clicked on the link. I was devastated, truly devastated, to read the story. What horrible news to begin my Thanksgiving with--how insensitive of the media to break the story on such a day as this.
Please join me in mourning the loss............
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051124/ap_on_en_mu/simpson_lachey_split;_ylt=AuEy6FosyarvirhrEXnszCCs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3b2NibDltBHNlYwM3MTY-

sick sick sick

I don't know what I've got but I am SICK. I've had a sore throat for about 2 weeks now, a round of Keflex did nothing. I've had fever and malaise off and on. A few days ago my glands/lymph nodes in my neck decided to swell up and they are freakin huge. Oh, and the back of my throat is covered in white patches. It's nasty. The dr didn't get back to me on Friday so i went all weekend hardly able to swallow because my glands are nearly touching. Talked with the dr's office this morning and they called in a ZPak for me. Now i just have to summon the energy to drive to the pharmacy. Let's hope this works. I'm supposed to be hosting Thanksgiving at my house and really want to pull this off.

I took a nap this morning and when I nap during the day I always have vivid dreams. Well, I dreamed that my high school class was notified that we had indeed all failed Senior English (they notified us 13 years later) and we would all have to repeat our Senior year. So, in my dream we are all back in high school and shuffling around the hallways and our lockers. Strange. But, in my dream I saw some of my classmates that I hadn't seen in years. I guess it was a mini reunion, in my foggy and infected head. :-) Man, I hate being sick.

Yay for me

I actually made it to church this morning. What a good lil Christian girl I am!! Hee hee. Well, I may have found my new church. It's a little bitty UMC called Leland Clegg (don't ask me who Leland Clegg was, I don't know). The congregation is small, maybe 50 in worship, but they are very friendly. What's even better is they are a LIBERAL, more progressive church and that's definitely what I need. I'm going to visit with the pastor later this week but this just might be what I'm looking for.

Wish list

I miss writing letters to Santa Claus....you know, grasping a big crayon and scribbling "I want a doll" in 3 inch letters. But no, I do NOT want a doll this year. I just want the spirit. I'm glad I'm spending Christmas with my brother Dan and his family. Nothin better than family.........

Of course, there is nothing that I truly NEED for Christmas but there are a few things I would like.
I would like a sewing machine. Go figure. :-) I'm really getting into this whole arts & crafts stuff. I love making jewelry and scrapbooking. A couple of years ago I took that quilting class, which I liked, but without a sewing machine it's really difficult.

Gift certs to Catherine's or Barnes and Noble. never can go wrong with clothes & books.

Landscaping help--my yard is screaming for assistance. I think my neighbors would appreciate that present as well. They are tired of looking at my bare, ugly yard.

You what else would make me happy? If people would donate $ or time to charitable causes. I am SO tempted to make donations somewhere in the name of my family, instead of presents. I mean, come on, none of us really need anything.

Jeez, am I a social worker or what???!!!

peace!

Shhhh...don't wake the bears

I feel like i'm in hibernation for the winter or something. i just haven't made the time to blog lately and there's not much more to say about it.
was in San Francisco last weekend for a conference, Creating Change, sponsored by the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force. some great workshops and speakers. more than that though was the bonding between myself and other board members from the Cimarron Alliance Foundation. let's just say we were "festive." thankfully, i didn't wake up with any foreign or unknown tattoos.

gearing up for Turkey Day which i'm spending here in OKC with some friends. i'd be content to have some soup and watch the Macy's parade but i'm going to have people over and pretend to be a spectacular hostess. more wine anyone?

if anybody wants a kitten let me know. or, take your chances that she'll show up in your stocking on Christmas morning.

does anyone else hate Christmas shopping as much as me??? the shopping itself i don't mind...i like coming up with ideas/presents for people. i hate the stores and all the idiots in the stores. what good does it do to stop in the MIDDLE of the freakin aisle? didn't these people take Cart Drivers Education? christmas shopping actually makes me cranky so i try to do it at odd hours when there aren't too many people out.

still church shopping. the Mormon missionaries are really beating down my door and if i don't find a church soon i may just have to shuffle over there.

any ideas as to what to get a 2yr old girl and a 1yr old girl for christmas? i'm at a loss.

my christmas wish list.....next blog.......

How to trap a polar bear

How do you trap a polar bear?
Well, first you cut a hole in the ice and put peas all around the hole.
When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Bad blogger! Bad, bad blogger!

I got chastised today by Dynanners who was bored with my blog because I hadn't posted anything in almost a week. What can I say, my life is just terribly boring.....Let's see, what's been going on in Rachel-Land. I tried a new church on Sunday. I'm considering becoming an Episcopalean. Services weren't bad, very formal but that doesn't bother me. Apparently the 9am service is better than the 11 (which is what I went to) so I'll give the other a try next week. I know several people that go to this particular church so that would make transitioning easier. We'll see..........I probably need to check out the local Presbyterian churches but I'm not sure any of them are progressive enough for me. I'm quite a liberal! No, really I am. :-) Oh, I remember what I did last weekend. On Friday night we had a surprise 30th birthday party for my friend Mandy (college buddy). Several folks from school were there and we had a nice little reunion. Good times. I love those sort of get togethers. Ok, that's really all I have to blog about. Like I said, my life is boring....

Appreciate your volunteers

Tonight we had a Volunteer Appreciation party for the Holocaust Rememberence Project. It was sweet. We drank a lot. I drank a lot. In fact I'm still drinking. Shots of Apple Pucker are a good thing.

so.......

these two antenna got married. the ceremony was ok but the reception was fabulous!!!!!!!! (thanks danny)

there are days that i want to pack up everything i own and move far far away where no one knows me and i don't have any history with anyone or anything.

i wonder if i can make xanax grow on trees?

Snow White & The 7 Mood Swings

I wish I were creative enough to have come up with this post title on my own but I didn't. I heard it on VH1 tonight and decided to steal it. I think this is my 100th post so Happy 100 to me!!! Woo hoo.

7 mood swings..........of course, me being the pleasant, loving, gentle soul that I am--I have no mood swings. I am PERFECT all the time. Yes, dammit, I said ALL the FREAKIN time.

If I had to name what triggers my 7 mood swings right now they would include:
7. Sleep deprived grouchiness
6. Frustration
5. Just-Ran-Over-A-Small-Child fantasy
4. Diet Coke withdrawal
3. Republicans (just being near them makes me morph)
2. Aspasia (my first cat)
1. Kitten, otherwise known as Thea.

Let me say a word about the cats.....they are making me nuts. All the do is fight, eat, poop, and repeat the cycle. I never knew two cats could eat that much (which of course explains the massive amounts of poop). It is quite disgusting. No, I won't provide any more details.

Heading down to Dallas on Thursday for a fundraiser on Friday night. It's also OU/Texas weekend which means the whole city is going to be filled with annoying football fans. Then, on Saturday I'm meeting up with friends in Dallas so we can play/party and then go see the musical "Wicked" on Sunday. Good times!

What's the right response?

I think the vocation of choice here in OKC is sign holder. Seems like everywhere I go there's someone, usually a man, standing on a street corner holding up one of those "hungry, homeless, vetern, need help" signs. I am certainly aware of the plight of the homeless and my awareness is more than just knowledge, it does involve activism. But, I just don't know what to make of/how to react to these folks on the corners? Is it considered a proper response to bring them a sack full of groceries? Wave a dollar bill? Offer tips on where to get food/shelter? Most aren't brazen enough to write "cash only" on their signs and who am I to presume what this person needs or doesn't need? Maybe they do need cash. Maybe they just need gasoline to get out of town. Maybe food is a high priority or maybe they just like to watch the traffic go by. I don't know why this is sticking with me tonight but it is.

A few years ago there was this guy that hung out at NW 39th & Penn with a sign that said, "why lie? I need a beer."

George Carlin hits OKC

My friend Pat and I went to see George Carlin tonight at the Civic Center. He is probably my favorite comedian and though he is crude, he is blunt, straightforward, and funny as hell. However, the show had a little snag. Part way through, the fire alarms start going off. Now, no one got up, no one tried to leave or act concerned--in fact people starting yelling to just ignore it and go on with the show. Uh huh. Turns out it was a false alarm but the system kept triggering so we listened to fire alarms on and off for 45 minutes. Plus, when the alarms go off it cuts the sound system and most of the power. Carlin told a few jokes with no microphone but had to go wait offstage so he wouldn't push his voice.

It was so great to laugh tonight. George Carlin rocks.

Let's talk about Shane!

I'm feeling slightly spunky tonight. I was talking with my dear friend Shane last night and he made some comment about how glad he was that he hasn't been talked about on this blog. Well, of course I just HAVE to talk about him now. He tells me that he only reads my blog when he's bored at work and needs to kill time. I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not. He and his lovely wife Julie live in Chicago which is too damn far away from me. I've been out there once to see them and really need to go again. They have darling little munchkins who only eat breakfast food because that's all that Daddy will feed them. I swear, every time I talk to Shane and he's making dinner, he's popping waffles or french toast sticks into the microwave. Dude, there's more out there than Aunt Jemima. So.....I met Shane in college when we were both nerdy Religion majors. Back then we used to think that a little dose of Jesus would make the world right. Ha. Oh man, we are both so jaded nowadays! We just look back on those college years and laugh. So, Shane is one of these liberal, progressive, could-be-a-hippie type guys. In fact, he's so liberal that his mom and dad kind of freaked in college b/c he was friends with gay people (shock) and they were afraid he might be gay. He made the mistake of bringing Mom and Dad to church with him one Sunday, a church that has a whole huge crowd of "different" folks and Mom nearly had a heart attack. I think he spent several weeks trying to convince her he was straight. Oh my gosh!! I just figured out why he and Julie had their baby---it was to prove something to his mom! Wow. :-) Yeah, Shane is SOOO going to kill me for this blog but I really don't care. And now for a tender, sentimental moment----Shane has really been there for me over the years. He totally came and held my hand through the funeral of my dear friend Neal. He makes me laugh, he listens to me bitch, and he hates Republicans. I couldn't ask for a better friend. There, sappy moment over. Ok Shane, I'm done talking about you.

Standing up for myself

I did a very hard thing today. For the past 10 months I have been the Chair of what's called the Staff Parish Relations Committee at my church. Basically, I preside over the committee and facilitate any problems or whatever with the church staff, including the pastor. It's a tough position but one I did with a lot of time & effort & to the best of my ability.
There are always people who will never be happy--some people are happier when they are complaining and being miserable. I am SOO not one of those people, but I felt I was becoming a Negativity Queen. I couldn't walk in the church without someone grabbing me to complain about one thing or another. Or, i would get an earful of how I'm not doing my job the right way, or how I could do it better (ie the way the other person wants me to). "Constructive criticism" was NOT the practice but the criticism part was being done well.
A few months ago there were a few people in the church asking for my resignation over a stupid matter. This weekend I received an anonymous letter from someone at church that was very derogatory, mean, and again called for my resignation. I think this was tip of the iceberg for me.
I broke down in church on Sunday because my congregation has become a place of pain and hurt (for me) when it has always been my center of strength and comfort. I knew that it was time for me to resign, in order to save my sanity and my relationship with the church I love. I called my District Superintendent on Monday morning and the church pastor on Monday afternoon. Both conversations were difficult and heart wrenching for me but my DS is so amazing and supportive. After the conversation with the pastor I knew I was making the best decision for me. I don't want anyone else to experience the negativity and personal attacks I've been through as Chair but I just can't do it anymore. I value myself more than that. So, I stood up for myself today and said no more. So be it.

name change

Well, it looks like I will be keeping the kitten i have been fostering. she's been with me for two and a half weeks now and i think it would be too disrupting for her to move again. she and Aspasia are getting along ok. it's not a great relationship yet, but maybe it will be. i'm thinking that once Kitten is declawed it will help. now, about her name......i had originally planned on calling her Malva, which is a name of Greek origin and means "softly, tenderly." perfect for a kitten, right?? well, then my friend Aaron points out that Malva sounds like Mulva, which sounds like Vulva, and i just can't get that out of my head. I am SOOOO not naming my cat after a female body part. no way. so, i believe her name will now be Thea, which is also a Greek-origin name and means "goddess." Yes, i like the Greek origin names. i'm going to have to change my voice mail message and add Thea to it. what's sad is that this house gets more phone calls for Aspasia than phone calls for me. sigh.

sleep? what's that?

I am sooooooooooooooooo tired that i can't go to sleep. don't you hate that?? i am completely on the verge of exhaustion and as soon as i lay down i think of something i need to do so i get up and go do it. i have barely slept this week (though i had good intentions of sleeping) and it has totally caught up with me. i have to go to a silly reception friday night and i totally don't want to go. i haven't found a way to get out of it though. i have Monty Python songs going through my head right now. quite annoying when i want to sleep.

powerless

I hate not having the answers or abilities to solve the world's problems. anyone else have the problem???
my friend Pat is really good about reminding me that sometimes things are out of our control and we are powerless to change another's reality.
i HATE the out-of-control feeling and that's hitting me tonight. i was just reading a friend's web-blog on her journey with cancer and frustrations with insurance denials and sickness. her attitude is SO positive about doing what has to be done but still she runs into walls and barriers with her treatment. i think her strength really calms and heals her family and friends and SHE'S the one who's sick.

so, she just needs to raise about $150,000 for the treatment she needs. drop me a check.

sigh

board meetings

Do you ever feel like you spend your life going to meetings? I get that way sometimes. Feel like I'm running from one place to the next, trying to keep all my "duties" in mind. Yes, I tend to overcommit at times but hey, what's a girl to do? lol.
Tonight I had a meeting of our Cimarron Alliance Foundation board, then a committee meeting of the Oklahoma Holocaust Rememberance Exhibit, then we reconvened Cimarron. Whew. Started at 6 and ended about 10:15. That's just wrong!

The Holocaust project starts next week and I am very excited about it. This group has worked hard and I think it will be a really quality event. You can visit our website at www.cimarronalliance.org

I apologize for any spelling errors and no, I'm not even going to run spell check because I hate the spell check on this blog. My brain is mush.

With that--a goodnight and see ya!

It's a girl (again)!!!

Most everyone knows about my little girl, Aspasia. She's the hairy, four paw, meowing type of child, though she actually doesn't meow. Well, silly ol me told Pets and People (where I got Aspasia) that I would consider fostering other Feline Leukemia cats since mine has it and I know homes for these cats are rare. I got a phone call a couple of weeks ago from a woman who had rescued a kitten who has Fel. Leuk and needed a place to go. My original intent was to just foster her for a while and work on a permanent home but I may just end up keeping her. She's a baby, only 10 weeks old, but appears to be quite healthy and happy. She's a typical kitten--bounce bounce pounce. She loves to boing ONTO Aspasia and batt at her. Aspasia doesn't seem to think it's so grand.....but, they take turns chasing each other through the house and eventually they fall asleep from exhaustion.
So, I have picked out a couple of names but I think I'm going with Malva. It's Greek and means "softly, tenderly." The name isn't set in stone but that's the way I'm leaning.

My friend Aaron laughed when I told him the name because it reminded him of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry couldn't remember his girlfriend's name. She said something about how her named rhymed with a body part so he guessed the name Mulva. My cat's name will NOT be Mulva. lol.

More reports from Cat-Land soon.......................

comfort the afflicted

My job as an HIV/AIDS social worker sometimes means doing what has to be done. my job description is relatively vague and it's kind of hard to put "sit with the dying" on paper and still retain employees.

several months ago i got a new client, a man i'll call Michael, who was very very ill when he was dumped in Oklahoma City by another social service agency that just didn't know how to help him. i remember that Michael hadn't showered in several days, had a huge decubitus on his backside, was an active drug user, had pneumonia, diabetes, and goodness knows what else (on top of AIDS).
i accompanied him to the ER and spent over 10 hours waiting for him to be admitted. we talked some during that time...i knew he had no family in state and didn't want me to try and contact anyone. he said he had two kids but they didn't know about his health condition. he never would give me a name or number of a family member.
he knew he was very sick. he knew that he needed a shower. he knew that his situation was grim. he was calm, polite, and grateful that this hospital was paying attention to him (2 others had barely looked at him). he was admitted and 10 days later he died. i was never able to get an emergency contact person from him. a local funeral home cremated him. there were no services.

every once in a while i get calls from the hospital that treated this gentleman, hoping that i had found a family member or someone to pay his outstanding bills.

on thursday i got a call from Michael's sister and she lives in another state. she and her family (including his parents) had been searching for him for months and by accident were notified that he had died over 7 months ago. she gave me the legal releases i needed and i was able to tell her about what led up to her brother's death. she cried as i recounted the events of those last 10 days of life. she told me of their family and how they were mourning their loss and struggling for answers and for closure.
his family was able to get his remains and give him a proper memorial.

i choked up and cried while finishing my recounting to the sister. until that moment i hadn't realized that i needed that closure too--of knowing that Michael's family knew and that they did indeed love him.

it's funny---i dropped out of the ministry a long time ago only to enter a secular ministry.

sometimes i wonder if God is testing me.

Does it help to be prepared?

Before anyone gets ruffled by the title of the post let me say that this is NOT an attack on anyone about the Hurricane. Instead, it's an invitation to dialogue.

My friends think I'm nuts because I love to study and observe Christian groups out of the mainstream. To me, mainstream includes the Presbyterians (PCUSA), United Methodists, Southern Baptists, Nazarene, Catholic, and a few others. Maybe mainstream is the wrong word....popular? Anyway, I like to learn about Christian groups/faiths that I am not so familiar with.

One group I have studied extensively are the Latter Day Saints, otherwise known as Mormons or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). I have not yet read the whole Book of Mormon but I've read enough. I have read many books on the LDS including bits on their history, theology, and place in modern day America. The local missionaries know that I'm not keen on converting but am always up for a good conversation and I'll cook them a decent meal. (Missionaries are practically starved). Anyhoo--one big push of the Church is that all adult Saints should have emergency provisions on hand. They emphasize more than just a few gallons of water and some MRE's....we're talking a year's worth of food and supply storage. It's not uncommon for young married LDS kids to be given a 20 lb barrel of flour for a house warming present. Couples, and singles, are expected to put aside large amounts of money and build their home storage for themselves and their loved ones.
Ok...I can see the need for being prepared in case of national or natural disaster. But, how practical is it to store several MONTHS worth of food/water/provisions? I think about the Louisana people and how they were lucky to even get themselves out. Here's a huge natural disaster and their homes are gone....so what good was that supply of provisions?

I don't bring this up to be argumentative but am more curious as to what an LDS response might be. I don't know if I can get one of my Mormon friends to respond here but if I find out a good answer I'll let you all know. In the meantime, feel free to chime in and comment.

Aftermath

The ruins of Hurricane Katrina are all over the news and papers. I must admit that I keep the tv tuned to MSNBC to watch all the developments. I cannot comprehend what the La and Miss residents are going through. Apparently the refugees that were in the Superdome are now being bused to Houston, where they can stay for MONTHS if needed. Can you imagine living in a sports dome for months???

The United Methodist Committee on Relief (www.umcor.org) is a reliable site in which to make donations of supplies or money. Please give.

Up, up, and away!!

Gasoline prices jumped today because of the hurricane (Katrina). I swear I saw gas for $2.50 on Sunday and then today it was $2.75. Isn't that gouging or something??

Community

We had three people join the church today--is always a blessing when people want to formally align and walk in faith. In the United Methodist Church, we have a short ritual/set of questions that are asked when a person comes to join. After one has answered the questions of intent and faith we, as a congregation, respond with the following:
We give thanks for all that God has already given you and we welcome you in Christian love. As members together with you in the body of Christ and in this congregation of the United Methodist Church, we renew our covenant faithfully to participate in the ministries of the church by our prayers, our presence, our gifts, and our service, that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. Amen.
I've said this statement many, many times over the years and it flows easily from my lips. I love this renewal of the vows I made to the Church many years ago and how United Methodists everywhere have a common bond through this witness of faith and action. This is community.

Three to tangle

YES, i know the expression is "it takes three to tango" but "tangle" seemed so much more appropriate for this entry.
tonight my friend Dwayne came in from Arkansas for the weekend. he thinks Oklahoma City is more exciting than Fayetteville...he's probably right. he's become pretty good friends with two friends of mine, whom i'll call James and Danny. so, Dwayne and I had dinner at James' and Danny's and then they had a little cocktail party with several ppl. Afterward, we all went out to The Copa to dance and whatever. It was a busy night at the club and we actually had to stand in line to get in. I should have some sort of Diva VIP pass. I mean, me--Rachel--standing in line with all the common people?? Please. Oh wait, I'm off topic.........so we danced for a couple of hours at the club and stayed until closing. Dwayne was going back home with James and Danny and I'm not sure i want to know any more than that.....like I said, it takes three to tangle.
Boys.

remembering mom

today is the 4 yr anniversary of when my mom died. needless to say, i miss her. i am very glad that i just spent the last week with my brothers because it helps connect us all.
my plan is to keep myself busy at work today and then have some down time tonight, relaxing, praying, and remembering. forgive me if i seem emotional or sappy today. it comes with the territory. my mom was a wonderful woman and we all miss her. i cry not because i'm so down or disrought, but there's just so much to miss. yes, i remember lots of good things and they make me smile or laugh. mom loved music and singing. we used to sing rounds in the car. she would wake me up in the morning by singing (loudly....and high pitched). makes me smile just to think about it.

what i keep repeating to myself is that THESE are the memories that sustain me. they make her feel closer. i remember because i love her and miss her.

time for me to make my annual donation to the American Cancer Society. this also helps me (constructively) memorialize her. the painful memories linger in my mind but they aren't what controls me. i admit that sometimes they get the better of me but mom was so much more than her cancer.

thank goodness for my faith, which mom and dad instilled in all of us, to give me strength and peace.

in memory of my mom.

She sells sea shells

So, for our vacation this year we went out to the lovely village of Montauk, on the Eastern tip of Long Island. It was the whole family, minus Doug and his crew. This was one of my favorite spots for vacation I think, because we still had access to stores and technology yet were secluded enough to not be consumed by any of it. Well, I do have to recount our first day in Montauk....see, my steppappy loves coffee. He drinks it day and night. So, while we were driving out to Montauk he pointed out every single Starbucks that we passed. So, our first morning he wants Starbucks. Ok, we're on vacation, I can dig that. So, we set out for the nearest one but don't really remember where that is. Yeah, turns out its like a 20 minute drive away, two towns over. Crazy. All this for coffee?? It was amusing. He's so easy to please. Give him a cup of coffee and a NY Times and he's happy. For the most part we spent the week sleeping late, eating seafood, catching up with the kids, and enduring the cold ocean water. That's my kind of vacation. I actually didn't find any seashells but I did bring home a few rocks. (what happened to seashells at the beach?? is global warming destroying all the shells?) As stupid as it sounds, I kept hoping to see a shark in the shallow water near the beach. Yup, I've been watching too many movies.

Family vacation 2005

Just got home from the annual family vacation. we went out on Long Island this year, to the lovely village of Montauk. it was a good time. we spent a lot of time on the beach and playing in the ocean and i got a lovely, painful sunburn. ah, memories. i am so proud of my nieces and nephews....6 of the 8 were on this trip. they range in age from 5 to 17 and it's so amazing to see watch them grow into their own sense of self. they are good kids. funny. witty. polite. bitchy. loving. smart. i expected them to be all those things but it's still amazing to watch the process (of growing up) unfold. i'll post more about the vacation later...i'm too tired now to do it.

Chills

Today the 9/11 Commission started releasing various text and audio transcripts from their post 9/11 inquiries. the NY Times online has posted most or all of it for the public to browse through. i listened to quite a bit of audio today and you can't imagine the chills it gave me. it's powerful stuff....go to www.nytimes.com to view/listen. you have to register with the online site but there's no charge and you won't get spammed.

role models

I just returned from our Young Democrats of America convention in San Francisco, CA. It was a CRAZY busy week but I had a lot of fun. The best part was seeing friends from all over and being able to spend time with liberal, like minded political hacks. My term as the Vice President of Programs is over and I am relieved to not be an officer again. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed what I did but there's too much bull that goes into running for YDA office. This was the first time in like 10 years that there were contested elections and they were NASTY. There were two teams competing for the 9 offices and dirty, shady, underhanded politics occured all week. People's jobs were threatened back home if they didn't vote one certain way....reputations were trashed, rumors started, voters intimidated, voices suppressed....Hard to believe this is an organization of Democrats! When it was all said and done only a few people that I liked were elected, Lauren Goode and Rob Dolin. They will be the voices of reason and sanity to a control freak of a president. My state president, Kathy North, lost her race for the vice president of development but i am very, very proud of her. she didn't compromise herself, cut deals, or sell out our state. she was one of very few people who can say that. she had a hard race to win and she did the best she could and i couldn't be more proud of her. it's going to take me some time to recover from this convention. i love young democrats but i have never seen a race within an organization get so nasty.

Remembering

I'm in San Francisco right now, attending the national convention of the Young Democrats of America. It's a great time & I am loving seeing friends and political buddies.

I was so busy today with our Platform meeting (I'm co-chairing the platform development process). Then, something tonight clicked in my brain and I remembered that today would have been my father's birthday. Dad would have been 71. It all kind of runs together these days. So, once I remembered Dad I stopped and said a little prayer for him, for me, and for my family.

I don't dwell on these sort of anniversaries, at least I don't anymore. They used to really bother me but as time as gone by I have evolved in my reactions. I miss him for other reasons, not because it's his birthday. I guess I should remember to stop and pray a little more, I don't need a reason like an anniversary/birthday/etc to do that.

In memory of my dad...............

love,
rachel

Caution: Donkey Crossing

Tomorrow afternoon I leave for San Francisco for our Young Democrats of America convention (www.yda.org). I am really looking forward to seeing a bunch of folks, hanging with friends for several days, and seeing all the crazy cat-fights that I predict will happen. For the past two years I have served as the Vice President of Programs for the Young Dems and while it's been a good time I am ready to give up my crown. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to accomplish but I don't think my time has been wasted in the organization. There are two people vying to replace me and I like both of them. No matter who is elected they will do a good job representing the organization.
I think it's great we are going to San Francisco--I mean, what better place for a bunch of Democrats to hang?? I hope to have a little free time to roam the city and see some of the sights I didn't get to see the last time I was there. I'll have e-mail while I'm there but if there's not much posting or emailing from me don't be surprised......Go Democrats!