Jimmy Hoffa Wuz Here

This huge search for Jimmy Hoffa has been amusing. I'm not quite sure what the fuss is all about. Now, out of respect for the dead, I do understand a family's need for closure and such. But, why are the Feds convinced that there is a body to find?? I have no experience in mob killings but I would think that whole body parts would be easy(easier) to find. Hence, make them smaller. Gross. Did anyone see the cupcakes someone was selling in the town where they were searching for Hoffa? The cupcakes had a hand coming up out of the chocolate cake. I laughed.

Calling all Catholics

Lots of beautiful, handmade rosaries for sale.....e-mail me or respond to this post. Custom designs available.

I have to sell some of these rosaries. Come on people, Jesus needs to hear ya. Give a little shout out to Mother Mary.

Instruction on how to pray the rosary is also included.

Matt Damon is hot

Does it make me sound like I'm 12 years old if I say Matt Damon is hot? I was flippin channels tonight and Saving Ryan's Privates, I mean Saving Private Ryan was on. Matt Damon is such a cutie.

So, it's Memorial Day weekend and I think I have lost several brain cells. I was trying to remember the purpose of Memorial Day. Is it a vetern thing or a any-deceased-person thing? YES, I took American History and actually got an A. I just can't recall the schlup behind this holiday.

My friend Alexis called tonight. She's having her bachelorette party the first weekend in July and wants me to come to Detroit. Oh Lordy....Her wedding is Labor Day weekend and I'm pretty sure I'm going. I also fear her wrath if I DON'T go. I'm not so sure about the b party though. I better make a lot of money on my garage sale next weekend. Between school, house repairs (damn washing machine and yard), weddings, vacation,....I'm poor.

Life...........

Who inspires you?

This afternoon I was reading the InSpire magazine, the alumni/ae publication of Princeton Theological Seminary. Each issue they showcase feedback & letters to a question posed in the previous issue. So, this had many stories of who inspired and helped shape these pastors and religious leaders.
It started me thinking (scary, I know) about who my inspirations were/are. So, I pose the question to you--my readers--who has inspired you and how? Family and close friends don't count. Well, of course they count...but we all have an inner circle like that.....
My inspiration from childhood/teenage land are different than my ones from adulthood. Yes, I'll answer my own question but I need some time to think about it.

resolutions

Is it too late to make my New Year's resolutions? Oh wait, it's May, isn't it? Damn.
Ok, well, I'm making a couple anyway. Maybe I should call them "determinations" instead of "resolutions." I am determined to start singing 30 minutes a day. My voice is just not up to par and I need the outlet that singing provides for me. I am also determined to rid my life of stupid people. No names.
I am not too happy with my Effexor right now. I don't think it's working but I've been on it for a couple of years so maybe it's lost it's oomph. My anxiety level is so freakin high that I say freakin all the time. I've always been a worrier, it's just my nature. But now, my anxiety keeps me up nights and makes my brain race and race and race. It's tiring. I feel like I'm watching the little hampster run circles in my head. Therapy, I know. :-) I think this is why I'm going to MSW school---so I can therapize myself. That's not a word, is it? I want to be a therapist so I can charge as much as mine did. I went to see someone, only gone once so far, and she charged me $105. Jeez. Didn't she see the "social worker" block filled out on my papers? Doesn't $105 seem a little high? I mean, this is OKC. You East Coast people don't get to pipe in on this discussion--you pay too much for everything.
I'm rambling aren't I? I didn't ramble before. I've only started rambling in the past year or so. It's Friendly Bunny's fault--he's ALWAYS rambling. I love him, don't get me wrong, but Bunny can ramble.
See, it's the anxiety talking. I'm wired and I haven't had any caffine since early this afternoon. No coffee. No alcohol and no drugs. Imagine what I would be like if I WERE on alcohol. Oh my.
Ok, I'll sign off because this post is pointless.

Mother's Day

Just got home from church...being the good kid I am. :-) I find it interesting that the subject of Mom and Mother's Day didn't really come up in the service. I agree that it's basically a holiday created by Hallmark or some other corporate group, but I feel like the Mom's should have been acknowledged or something. I've been asked 3 times today if I have called my Mom. I find it amusing to watch people's reactions when I tell them I don't have a Mom anymore. They get the hint that my Mom is deceased and they just don't know how to react. I want to say, I called her but she just won't answer the phone. That would be mean, wouldn't it? I appreciate my sense of humor even if no one else does.

The client that I blogged about earlier this week....he died Saturday night about 11pm. The family called me and I met them up at the hospital. It was time to turn him over to God and we did that. Services will be in a few weeks. It will be good to remember, laugh, and gather his friends and family together one last time.

You know, I just thought of it....I am a Mom. I am Mommy to a wonderful kitty named Aspasia. It's my day after all! Happy Mother's Day to me.

Need vs. Want

I NEED a vacation. I WANT sanity. I don't think I'm getting either one. I can't tell you how badly I need some time off/time away from work and *stuff*. Because funds are way low, I can't really go anywhere but I'm thinking of taking several days off and just being at home. I also need to have a garage sale. My anxiety level is sky rocketing and last night I developed an itching condition. Like, it felt like little bugs or something roaming all over me and I about went crazy trying to scratch. Of course, the more I scratched the more I itched. Argghhh...even now just thinking about it makes me itch. Is this what being crazy feels like? Where's the good drugs? I need Xanax.

Strange reality

I have a hard time taking compliments. Don't analyze that statement, I don't want to hear about it. I'm just stating a fact. And, it's a rare thing that I will talk about what I'm good at (of course, it's much easier to talk about what I'm BAD at). But, I'm going to talk about myself, so there!
As most of my readers (all 5 of you) know, I'm a HIV/AIDS social worker. I've been doing this a long time and was doing caregiving on a volunteer basis even before this. I know, glutton for punishment or something....
There's really no comprehensive job description for what my co-workers and I do. We just do whatever needs to be done. Sometimes, this involves silly mounds of paperwork, referrals to worthless resources, and the endless advocacy for money and medicine.
I can't fathom what it's like to be a client--to allow a case manager/social worker into my life and rely on that person for my life sustaining medications and services. When I stop to think about it, it's fairly humbling. I will freely admit that we sometimes get attached to our clients. After all, we're human. Well, I'm human, I'm not so sure about my other two co-workers.

Over the years I have lost several clients to the disease, it's just part of it all. Right now I have a very dear client ill and in the hospital. A few weeks ago he called me to come over and discuss end of life issues with him. He calmly accepts that this might be the end for him. I admire this person greatly because he has always been outspoken and comfortable with himself as a person living with AIDS. He is intelligent, funny, and loving.
Tonight I visited him in ICU and we chatted just a bit. He's still showing some hope and will to live. I don't know what will happen in the next few days and weeks and I don't dare speculate. But whatever happens, I know he will be at peace because he's at peace with himself and those around him.
Yes, these situations are difficult---for the patient and their families. Yet, I surprise myself. I realized tonight that I am good at what I do. I am calm. My voice radiates compassion and love. I know that the act of "touch" can provide comfort. I am not afraid. I realize that I draw on my inner strength as well as my spiritual foundation and use that strength to minister to my clients. Even though I left the ministry a long time ago, I am still ministering.

The transition from this life to everlasting is an amazing & beautiful journey. That may sound strange but if you have never witnessed transition then you may not understand.
I will grieve if I lose this patient. After all, I AM human. But, my comfort comes from God and yes, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I guess my prayer tonight is a simple one: God be with all those ill and in pain, God be with this client and his family, and God continue to bless me with an open heart and caring hands.

Goodbye, Louis Rukeyser

I just read in the NY Times online that financial tv show host, Louis Rukeyser, died Tuesday. For many years he was the host of "Wall Street Week" on PBS. I have to admit, I'm kind of sad. You see, in my house, the tv was usually on CNN or PBS. My stepfather was a Wall Street Week junkie. The show aired on Friday night and was replayed at 12:30 on Sunday afternoon. We watched it both times. Every Sunday after church, my stepdad would go by and pick up Broasted Chicken and we would sit around the table to eat. At 12:29 the tv was on. cranked up full volume, and he was glued to the show.
As a teenager I never really got into the show. I mean, come on, they were talking stocks, bonds, and money. I didn't want to know what the dollar did that week--I just wanted to spend it!
However, the theme song to Wall Street Week is a memory stuck in my head. I remember when I was living in New Jersey, I sometimes would get a little homesick. One Sunday I turned on Wall Street Week to hear the theme and I felt better. Memories.......

Go rest high Mr. Rukeyser.

Free at last, free at last!

First I was afraid, I was petrified....

Ok, no more bad cliches. I freakin passed my statistics final and ended up with a B in the class. I am VERY happy with this score. It was a tough class and I'm glad it's over. I have to say that I did like the professor. He wasn't always the best at explaining the info, but he was so energetic about it. You have to give him points for enthusiasm.

So, I guess this means I'm all set to start my MSW in the fall.

Speaking of school.....my oldest nephew, Brett, graduates high school this spring. It's hard to believe that he's 18. He has decided to go to Seton Hall (that's in South Orange, NJ for those that don't know). Good school. I'm way proud of him. Wow...college. Makes me feel old. :-)

It's strange to not have to study. Jodie & I have spent so much time at Panera and Barnes & Noble this semester. Yes, she passed as well. Yay for us.

Now if only I can win the lottery..........

Stress

Isn't blue supposed to be a peaceful color? We'll see if it works. I am a stress ball right now. My damn statistics final is on Monday and I am so ready for it to be over. Jodie and I have been studying and reading our little hearts out but we still feel clueless about this junk. I mean, the test is only going to be over chapters 1-22. That's all. Jeez.

I had a dream the other night that I was being a counselor at church camp though I was still studying for the stats exam. In the dream, my grandmother died & my mom came to camp to get me. We go to my grandmother's funeral and in the midst of all the mourning I realize I just can't take the exam. I ask my mother, a professor, to write me a note for my professor, but she says no!! She tells me that nothing should get in the way of my education and to go ahead and take the test.
Now, there are a couple of things wrong with this dream. First of all, my grandmother has been gone for a LONG time and my mom has been gone for a while too. It's kind of strange to dream about them. Second, if someone in my family passes away, screw the test! And three....ok, there is no other point to make. My dreams are just bizarre.

My anxiety level is high but I am TRYING not to go completely shizzle. I've been in this insomnia cycle for about 2 1/2 months now and am really tired of it. It would be nice to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night.

Once the test is over Jodie and I are "unwinding." That means alcohol.

Wish me luck!

Jesus Hops

It's Easter...like the good kid I pretend to be, I went to church this morning. It was a decent service although the pianist stays about 2 beats ahead of the congregation. Drives me nuts.

Anyhoo----I ended up sleeping alllll day Saturday. I mean, ALL day. I went to bed about 3am Sat morning and woke up at 8 pm Saturday evening. I guess I was really tired. When I sleep hard like that I tend to have vivid dreams. The one I really remember relates to Easter and Jesus and all that jazz. I dreamed that Jesus was dressed up in a Bunny suit and that song "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West was playing.....only it was "Jesus Hops." In part of the dream I was in church and they rolled in this huge tiered cake and Jesus bursts through (bunny suit on) as we're singing Christ The Lord is Risen Today.

Strange, strange dream..........No, I wasn't drinking. Lol.

Happy Easter folks!

Bummed

It's been a couple of days of things not going my way. The universe should have figured out by now that it's MY way or the highway. Why can't the world just bow down to me? Is that asking soooo much?

I didn't fail my Statistics test but I didn't get the grade I wanted.

I was not chosen for an interview with the General Comission on Religion & Race job that I verrryyyy much wanted.

Some annoying little kid & his grandma talked through the whole concert at the philharmonic tonight.

I feel like Eeyore tonight. Maybe that's my cue to take a bath and go to bed.

peace.........

Alas, my beloved, JK......

Received a phone call today that my beloved John Kerry has to postpone his trip to OKC this weekend. Apparently there's pressing political business in D.C. that he has to tend to. Understandable......the event has been rescheduled for May 6th, so I'll still get to hang with him! Woo hoo. I just adore Senator Kerry and would do just about anything for him. What impresses me the most is that one of his staff members called me today to tell me about the change in plans. I had been communicating with her, helping coordinate the visit and help in any way needed. It was nice of her to call me personally. So, I must be a little more patient and then I will finally get to see my JK again.

Hello? Test Gods?

Are you there God? It's me, Rachel. Yeah, hi. Sooooo....I have this Statistics exam today and as you know I'm not feeling so great about it. I'm not asking for anything big, like a power outage across the city of Norman or a big flock of birds to carry off the professor....I'd just like a little help with the test. Hey, maybe if You know the answer (well of course You know the answer but if You'd like to shareeee the answer) you could make my pencil roll or something subtle. I'll take any help You'd like to give.

Oh, sorry I missed church yesterday but I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Wait, wrong response.....
Sorry I missed church yesterday but I had that darn retreat for Cimarron. Hope you understand.

Thanks God, or thanks be to God.....

Rachel

Step aside for Chutney

I invite my faith-ful/faith-less readers to read a blog posting by my friend Chance. He and I were religion majors in college and have maintained a friendship over the years. A lot of us religion majors have struggled with our "calling" to church work and have fought for self-independence within churches that seem to encourage dependence on everything but ourselves.
His experience is very different from my own but I identify with a lot of what he says. I must admit that his story makes me uncomfortable as well, because it brings to mind my own issues & circumstances of stepping away from ordination and my calling.

Visit Chance's blog at
www.makingchutney.com
It's a good read.

Shalom........

If you can't say something nice...

come sit next to me.......
Isn't that the line from Steel Magnolias? What a fabulous movie.

Ok, I know I haven't posted much lately. I HAVE been rather busy with work and school (damn statistics class). The month of March is our busiest month of the year at work so I've mostly been treading water to keep up with all that needs to be done.

But, there's another reason that I haven't posted much. I originally created this blog as a little insight to the (warped) mind of Rachel, my life, my chaos. Actually, I decided it would be a good way to keep my long distance friends & family abreast on what is going on with me. Then, stupid me, TOLD people about the blog and now (damn it) people actually READ the stupid thing. Sigh. So, now if I get aggravated/frustrated/want to shake the life out of others I can't post it here because that person/persons/people might read it! I've created a monster.

I've been attempting to keep my emotions and homicidal tendencies in check lately so thaaaaat's the reason why I haven't posted much. Maybe I should have given up blogging for Lent. I gave up cursing (obviously that hasn't gone so well) and of course I always give up Trina (a Kappa Phi tradition from college).

And NO, Friendly Bunny, you are not on my list. I like you. Today. Get text messaging.

Peace out people..............

Church

I'm enjoying my little church, Clegg UMC. When I say little, I mean little...we had 45 in worship today, which is standard. I would prefer a bit larger congregation but there is certainly community amongst a group this small. There's a member of the church who has been very sick for the past several months. I'm still unclear as to what the chief medical problem is but he's had setback after setback. Now, this man fell sick right before I started attending so I've never met him but I feel like I know him by the way the whole church talks about him. Every week a couple of people say oh yes, I saw David on this day or that day. Each week at least 2 emails go out on his condition. I've been in churchs/groups before where someone gets sick or is absent for a long period of time and eventually they drift out of collective consciousness. I don't think it's done out of malice, but it just happens. This David person seems to have such an impact on our congregation and they are always visiting him, praying for him, and being there for his family. I hope that I someday get to meet this gentleman because his absence is felt, even by me, and a community of faith is stronger because of him.

After church this morning I was visiting with the organist, Kay, as we try and find something for me to sing in worship. We were thumbing through our hymnal supplement, which is not used on a regular basis in this congregation. I commented that I had a supplement at home and I would continue browsing for a song. Kay looked at me kind of funny and asked why I had one of these booklets. I thought for a moment and then replied that I'm kind of a church nerd....I was the kid who read through the hymnal and tried learning most of the songs. I guess I really am a church nerd.....I'm ok with that self-imposed label. There are worse things to be, right? Like, male. Just kidding. :-)

Red Tie 2006

This past Saturday night, March 4th, was Red Tie Night 2006. Red Tie is the annual fundraiser for the Oklahoma AIDS Care Fund, a most wonderful non-profit that gives a lot of $$$ to HIV/AIDS in Oklahoma. Every year the event gets bigger and bigger, approxmiately 950 people attended this year. They do a fabulous live auction that generates thousands and thousands and I can't imagine where these ppl get the money to spend!!! So, this year I asked my step-pappy and my step-sis to attend with me. They had a great time (as I knew they would) and my stepdad flirted with every straight female he could find! It was amusing. I was very proud to introduce them to my colleagues and friends. My family really hasn't had the opportunity, or taken the opportunity, to discover MY world so this was my chance to show them around. You know, I didn't realize it until just now, but I guess I'm pretty proud of some of the things I've done and work I've accomplished and I wanted my family to understand a little more of me. Hmmmm....

Lent

Well, the season of Lent has begun. I was able to attend an Ash Wednesday service in the hospital chapel. I forgot about the ashes on my forehead until I started noticing people staring at me. One of the workers in the cafeteria asked me if it was a scar. I find it amusing how many folks around here don't know or understand the meaning of Ash Wednesday or Lent.
So, I did give up something for Lent.....every time I curse, I have to put 25cents in a jar for charity. I just don't like hearing those curse words come out of my mouth (well, sometimes they are justified but not always). So, I have a feeling I'll be earning a good amount of $ for some charity. And as always, at the beginning of Lent I called my Kappa Phi little sister, Trina, and reminded her that I was once again giving her up for Lent. We always laugh about that.

So, in this time of self-sacrifice and contemplation I attempt to correct my language and be a little nicer in my approach to others.