You Might Be a United Methodist If...

You Might Be A United Methodist If~
you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed~
you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device~
The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper~
you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh~
you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts~
you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus"~
you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn~tithing is encouraged but widely ignored~
half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns~
the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine~
you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease~
your pastor has a hyphenated last name~names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar~
you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament~
the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"~
you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it~
you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London~
your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint~
you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out~
you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease~
your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way~
there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"~
your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men~
you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues~
you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes~
you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave~
you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date~
you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers~
you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister~
"Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service~
you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why~
your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads~
you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee~
you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion~
you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday~
you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel~
you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary~
when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn