Graduation

Oy, it's been three months since I've blogged?? Where did the time go?
I'm finally graduating from the School of Social Work. Well, at least I'm going through the ceremony. I have to finish my practicum hours and I still have one elective to take this summer. But, it's one step closer. This week is hell as I finish my final papers and I have three TONS of writing to do. I have to admit I just don't care anymore. I am over school and burned out. It's been a great experience, don't get me wrong.....I'm just mentally checked out.

I'm dreaming of a vacation. At this point I don't care where just as long as it doesn't involve work, school, or slave labor. I think I have David (Hardt) convinced that we need to take a trip after the YDA convention. And, we will only take people we like on the trip. :-)

Found out a relative has cancer. Not sure what the prognosis is at this point, just sad for that person. Praying it is all ok soon.

God is good.

that's what friends are for

Lots of good things happening in my world right now. And lots of not so good things happening in the lives of several close friends. I'm finding it hard to be happy and content with myself when others are struggling. Wait, I don't think I said that right.....I mean, I still feel good about MY stuff, but I guess I feel like I can't/shouldn't share it with those around me b/c of what they are going through. I KNOW I can't fix what's happening with my friends--it's their stuff to work out and the best thing I can do is just be supportive. I just hate seeing them hurt or be stressed.

I am not going to name those having a tough time right now. You know who you are. Just know that I am here for you in whatever way I can be.

Love,
Mama Hen

I'm not ignoring you---I can't hear you

Tonight I went to the grocery store and did massive shopping. I despise grocery shopping. it's one of those thing i wish i could delegate to others. anyhoo, i get to the check out and unload everything onto the little conveyer belt for the attendant to scan. there wasn't room for the bag of potatoes so i held it up so she could use her hand held scanner and then i could just put it back into the cart. i stood there holding the bag for a minute before she noticed and then she scanned it and i put it down. i didn't think anything of it, that it took her a moment. then, i realize she is talking to me. i can't understand what she is saying and had to ask her to repeat 3 times before it got it. she sounded really irritated and said "you should have told me you were standing there." i was confused then realized that she was talking about when i was holding up the bag of potatoes. i told her it was not a problem but she continued talking, saying that i should clear my throat or something to let her know i was there. i was still having a problem hearing her b/c the grocery store is loud (especially with registers and scanners beeping, ppl talking, etc). I told her that i can't hear what she is saying because i am deaf. Ok, so slight exaggeration on my part. BUT, i am VERY hard of hearing in my right ear (childhood infection) and in noisy places I have difficulty distinguishing noises. After i said that I was deaf she started talking in a very loud and slow voice. I tried not to laugh. Then, she points to the total on the register screen and holds up her hands to show the numbers (like holding up five fingers and point to the number 5). I'm still trying not to laugh. The young woman bagging the groceries finished and I told her thank you, to which the woman responded for me to have a nice night. I echoed the same to her and I saw the cashier looking at me like "how did you hear her?" I just looked at the cashier and said "oh I read lips very well." As I left the store i thought about the whole exchange. Up until I told the cashier that I couldn't hear she was kind of snippy with me. Her tone changed and while she was trying TOO hard (by pointing at the numbers and holding up her hands), I can see that at least she was trying to be accomodating.
I am thankful for what hearing I have. I need to be more mindful and sensitive to people around me who might be struggling to hear or to see or to walk or to read. Being differently abled doesn't mean a person needs special treatment, just maybe a different approach.
Who would have thought that a trip to the grocery store would be such a teaching moment?

Go ahead, make my day

As I prepped for work last night I decided I really wanted a salad for dinner. I stopped by Panera and as I drove in the parking lot I saw that the place was pretty quiet (assuring a parking spot). As I pulled into one of the front "10 Minute To Go" spots, a pick up in the spot next to me starts backing out. It doesn't appear that the truck sees I am there and before she hits me (I could see the driver) I tapped my horn and honked once at her. It wasn't the long HONNNNNKKKKK, it was a short BEEP. She stopped, looked all around and then noticed me, in which during that time I slid into my space. All's well, right? Well, apparently she was NOT happy that I beeped at her! The lady pulls her pick up right behind my car, angled lengthwise and starts yelling at me! I am watching through my mirrors and decided to wait until she pulled away before I got out of my car. She yells Get out of the car! I'm thinking, uhhhh nope, I'm staying right here crazy lady. Well then I hear her put the truck in park and she gets out and walks up to my window. I wasn't scared but I was trying to avoid anything messy. She was short and skinny--I was pretty sure I could take her down if I had to (i don't advocate violence at all). She leans in toward my window and is yelling and hollering at me, saying she has a toothache and she stopped in to buy soup & the sun was in her eyes and she couldn't see me. She then yelled that it was rude of me to honk at her and to get all grumpy but I DON'T FEEL WELL AND I JUST CAME TO GET SOUP. I am thinking uh yeah, not feeling well is the least of your problems hon. I was very calm and wasn't a smart ass when she would ask me something and I didn't try to egg her on. THEN, as she is ranting she seems to make herself more worked up and she starts cursing and being nasty. So, I held up my cell phone and said if you continue to threaten me I will call 911 and let the police work this out. She called me a few more names and then got back in her truck, all the time yelling "I don't feel good." The smart alec in me came out as she walked away yelling this and I said "well obviously!" I'm lucky she didn't ram my car as she drove away.
I went in to get my salad and I laughed about the whole thing. Obviously this woman was having a bad day. But, i hope that she realizes how much danger she put herself in. Sure, I get mad at other drivers but mentally (and silently) I rave about them and then move on. She put herself in a lot of danger by getting out of her car and confronting me at my car window. I also noticed how calm and non-anxious I was during the whole ordeal, which is a good trait b/c i didn't allow myself to get all caught up in HER drama.

Well lady from Panera, I hope your tooth is better. If you still need to rave, call me on the crisis line...I work from six to midnight.

Back to blogging

I haven't blogged in a LONG time. After getting into Facebook I started using that as a blog space. I decided to go ahead and come back here, who knows if it will last. Due to changes in my life I feel the need to write (as writing helps ease anxiety and stress). The changes aren't bad but I don't deal with major change so easily and just the act of change causes me anxiety.
So what's new you ask? Well, I left my job where I did case management for the elderly and disabled. I was there about a year and a half but it was time to move on. My big reason for leaving was to do my final internship for my social work program. There was no way to keep that full time job and intern full time.

I started a part time job this week. I am working at a crisis line, answering calls from various sources. One line is for those who just need someone to talk to--maybe they are a little depressed or having a rough time. There's also a line for folks looking for information on social service resources, which we look up in a comprehensive database. I've only been there two nights (I work 6pm to midnight) but I LOVE it. I think it's going to be a great place for me. It's a good use of my social work skills.

My internship for school has been a little messed up so I haven't started yet. I hope to get going by early next week. I did talk with OU and switched to an extended practicum, so i won't actually finish until end of July. That's ok with me though because it means I only intern about 18-22 hours per week, instead of 36-40 like I was scheduled. The new schedule allows me to actually sleep at night for more than 5 hours. ugh.

That's life at the moment. More updates to come soon as I get back into the swing of blogging.

Friday Five

I know, I haven't been blogging lately....too much to do in my world! Between school, work, and YDA I just have barely had time to sleep. Thank goodness for Mandy's Friday Five. It looked like fun this week!

1. How did you celebrate this time of year when you were a child? in Pennsylvania I remember all the leaves that the neighborhood kids and I would rake into these huge forts. We would nestle down into the leaves and hang out. One year for Halloween I was sick and couldn't go trick or treating. I was sooo mad at my Mom for not letting me go out. I tried to convince her that I HAD to go because I HAD to get money for Unicef. It didn't work.

2. Candy apples: Do you prefer red cinnamon or caramel covered? Or something else? Not too into candy apples and am not a cinnamon fan at all. I like regular ol Gala apples.

3. Pumpkins: Do you make Jack O’ Lanterns? Any ideas of what else to do with them? I haven't carved pumpkins in a couple of years. I'm terrible at it and mine always look deformed. The slimy pumpkin guts makes me a little quesy.

4. Do you decorate your home for fall or Halloween? If so, what do you do? Bonus points for pictures. I'm terrible...I don't decorate worth squat. I barely put up stuff at Christmas. I mean, it's just me and the cat and she sure doesn't care. :-)

5. Do you like pretending to be something different? Does a costume bring our an alternate personality? Admittedly, yes. I love dressing up but it doesn't bring out an alternate personality---it brings out my fun/outgoing side which I don't share enough.

sweet, sweet spirit

My previous post was about a friend from college, Danette. She transitioned early this morning. I can only imagine how her family is feeling right now...both relieved and incredibly sad. I pray for Danette, her husband and their children. I hope that the strength and spirit she showed can give them a bit of comfort and that the children will always know how incredible their mother was.

Limbo

This past weekend I was in Washington D.C. for YD meetings. Several days before I had received an e-mail from a college friend, alerting me to the declining health of Danette, another college friend. When I was a freshman/sophomore, Danette was a leader in the United Methodist Student Fellowship. She was also a Kappa Phi. She worked church camps, lead music a lot, and was an overall really neat woman. She had a bouncy spirit about her, cheerful and funny, thoughtful and sincere. I still have a letter she wrote me once, after a week of camp, and she and I had spent some serious time together talking about God and our place in ministry.
So, my friend emailed me that Danette was declining in health having been diagnosed a couple of years ago with a rare form of ovarian cancer. I immediately went to Danette's website to get the latest updates and have spent so much time the past few days thinking about her, her family and how amazing this woman is. To tell the truth, I've been a little angry---not really sure at whom, but angry still....I guess I'm angry at cancer. I am REALLY tired of cancer destroying people I know. Doesn't that sound stupid---I mean, I get angry/upset about other ailments and diseases but for some reason cancer keeps appearing.
My flight Sunday night was smooth and I watched the sun set from my airplane seat. I had a long talk with God from seat 3A. I started by giving thanks for a safe flight and a beautiful sunset. I also prayed for Danette and her husband, as well as their 5 small children. I felt suspended in reality--below me was the world and above me was infinity. I realized that this is how I saw Danette right now, stuck between life and eternity and torn between staying and going. I pray that Danette finds the peace and healing her body so desparately needs. I also pray for comfort for her family, especially their children.

A part of me can't help but wonder how a merciful and loving God can justify cancer in a person like Danette...or Shelly...or my mother....why those people? why not me? there is nothing i have ever done or will ever do that can come close to what those three have...so why not me? i just don't understand sometimes.

Catching up

I know, it's been a long time since the last post. I'm going to try and make this a catch-up blog and then do a second blog, reflecting on some happenings in my world.
August was a busy month! After our Young Democrats of America convention I needed some down time. Convention was fabulous (and of course since we won it was even better) but I was so drained. Then, an opportunity came along and I interviewed & accepted a new job. Wow. I gave my two week notice and started my new job on Aug 20th. I am now working for a home health agency doing case management for a program called Advantage Waiver. Though I'm still rather new, I am liking the job and feel this is a good change for me. I did it primarily because there is a lot of flexibility with this position. In several months, when I do my practicums for school, I will need to be able to balance work and internship. It would have been difficult to do at DHS and I knew I would probably be changing jobs soon. Change is hard for me (like it is for a lot of ppl) but overall I feel very comfortable in the new place. Yay for me.
Because of being off for the YDA convention and the potential to switch jobs, I didn't get to attend family vacation this year. I was bummed...but, at least I got to see my brothers and nieces/nephews back in April when Gaila and I went to NY.

School has started back for the semester and I am trying to get motivated to study. The current class is on Generalist Practice and involves quite a bit of paper writing. It's not difficult but keeping up with the reading and assignments is overwhelming at the moment. I'll survive.....ok, on to the 2nd post....

Let us break bread together

Church was really good today. It wasn't that the sermon was spectacular or there was some thunderous rumbling from God. It just felt good to be worshipping together within a fellowship of believers. It was a communion Sunday and I forgot that Presbyterians do things a little differently than what I'm used to. They pass plates of bread pieces and everyone takes one, holding it until everyone is served, then we all partake together. The little cups of juice are passed and you drink as you are ready. After eating the bread I had a very UNHOLY thought...Jesus is stuck in my teeth. Those dry, unleavened bread pieces are kinda hard to digest. I had bottled water with me but I didn't want to break the sanctity of the moment, so after drinking the juice I gulped a little water and tried to get the bread out from my teeth. I tried so hard not to laugh. Anyhoo....I've been worshipping at First Presby for the most part and it's comfortable. No, there's not really people my age there but I've come to accept that "my" generation is largely unchurched in mainstream churches. So, I can either worship in a place I'm familiar with and comfortable in, like First Presby or a Methodist Church, or I can melt into one of the mega churches where I might have community, but not theology. I'm not willing to go there...not yet. I love the liturgy, hymns, and traditions of my heritage. I want to be amongst a fellowship of believers as we pray, "Our Father, who art in heaven..." That's church for me.

The Family Table

Quite an interesting observation tonight....after work I stopped off at Sam's Club to pick up mass quantities of deli meat, celery, and a few other items. Yes, it's probably easier to go to the grocery store and get these things but I love roaming around Sam's. But, I digress....after I checked out I went to get a soda and noticed several people, customers, sitting at the little tables & benches. Once I clued in, I saw that at least three of these tables were occupied by families all having a dinner of Sam's snack bar food. This struck me as tremendously odd. I mean, there they were surrounded by their recent purchases and they are having a family moment at the steel picnic tables.
I certainly wasn't raised in the all-American, conventional family (but then again, was anyone?), but my parents tried to hold family-around-the-table-dinner as often as possible. We set the table, sat together, prayed, and devoured. Mom was always asking questions about school, dragging out the dictionary to look up words....My stepdad would turn on CNN and blare the news of the day or make me watch Moneyline (with Lou Dobbs). I guess I'm not trying to pass judgement on the families who eat their dinner at Sam's Club, but come on, doesn't that seem strange to anyone else? I don't know why this bothers me so much.

Oh yeah, you want a senseless topic that will really get me going? Ask me about milk trucks and how I feel about seeing them on the highway.

resolution

This is not a commentary on the Catholic Church priest abuse scandals....but, tonight i was reading a story in the New York Times on the recent 600 million settlement in Louisiana. One of the cardinals or bishops was quoted as saying they hoped this (settlement) would bring about a final resolution. I just don't understand how money will truly bring resolution??! I hear people saying how much they want to win the lottery, that it will make things so much better for them. Duh..money does not buy happiness. Money will not erase memories, scars, etc for survivors. It's a similar situation with the death penalty. Taking one life doesn't bring back the one that's already gone. This "eye for an eye" business is really over-rated.
So, what MIGHT bring resolution to a person? How about forgiveness? Reconciliation? Prayer? Faith? Hope? Love?
Those are all simple actions that bring forth a great response.
Let's resolve to be gentler to one another, to speak softer words, show a little more love, and give a lot more of ourselves.

A funny thing happened..

We had an amusing moment at work today. Once a month, my three co-workers and I meet with our supervisor to staff cases, discuss issues, whatever...We meet in the morning, have lunch, then do our monthly individual conferences in the afternoon. So, while at lunch we're gabbing and my co-worker Gaila pulls out some coins and is looking at the quarters. She hands a quarter to our supervisor and says "did you see the new Washington?" Supervisor is peering intently at the coin and says "yup, that's him." Gaila immediately blurts out TURN IT OVER GOOFBALL. After a slight pause, we all cracked up because hearing Gaila call the supervisor a goofball was SOOO funny. Of course, what Gaila was trying to do was call the attention to the picturesque scene of Washington STATE on the back of the coin, not Washington the President. We giggled for a long time about that one. Definitely one of the funniest moments I've experienced in a while. Gaila was horrified that she was going to get in trouble but thankfully our supervisor has a sense of humor. She found it funny! Way to go, Gaila! We knew there was a smart ass in you!

Commitment

I'm taking a class this summer on the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders, otherwise known as the DSM-IV. It's quite fascinating to read of the different mental illnesses and case studies/symptoms. Today, I have been working on a short paper regarding voluntary and involuntary commitment to a mental health institution. We had to research the statutes on commitment in the state we live in or plan to work in. I researched the state of Maine (because whether or not I end up in Maine, I don't want to stay in Oklahoma). What I find interesting is that if a person voluntarily commits themself, they can discharge after only 16 hours. Does anyone else think that number is a little low? I mean, I know it's voluntary but still---if you are putting yourself in a mental institution, what good is 16 hours going to do? Someone explain this to me. I had a client once who voluntarily admitted himself to detox. (Yes, I know drug/alcohol detox is way different than mental health, but go with it...) He mainly admitted himself to get his family, and me, off his case for a while. He didn't stay but maybe 24 hours then left, against medical advice, and of course was right back to using/drug seeking. Let's put the word "commitment" to good use and if someone enters treatment, let's COMMIT to a little more than 16 hours of care.
Yes, I'm rambling. No one cares what I say on this blog. And yes, if you must know, I'm procrastinating doing my next section of homework. Am I commited to my education? No, not today. :-)

Shane

I hope this font is hurting Shane's eyes. It's supposed to. He complained and complained tonight about the background on my blog...it HURTS his eyes. Oh please. :-) Shane and wifey Julie are counting down the days until baby #3 arrives. They are being mean and won't tell anyone the name. So, I have decided to call him (the baby) Micah. I don't care if it's not his name, that's what I'm calling him. Ok kids, I have nothing witty or fun to say tonight because i'm really sleepy. Goodnight and goodnight.

Tagged

I was tagged by Mandy recently but I'm so behind on my blogging that I'm just now catching up. Sorry! Ok, 8 (or is it 10?) random things about me......
1. I seem to have an addiction to ketchup right now. Like, I don't put it on everything, but when I have it...I use a ton of it. (I know, Trouble is throwing up at the thought of ketchup)

2. I once got to spend a day with Wilma Mankiller, former Chief of the Cherokee Nation. We took a picture at the end of the day and when I saw it I freaked--she and I look SOO much alike. It's my Cherokee heritage.

3. I am slightly obsessive compulsive, especially when it comes to the feel and texture of certain things. I am constantly putting lotion on my hands because I can't stand the feel of dry skin.

4. I absolutely love to vacuum. I really do.

5. I make Rosaries...the prayer bead chains. I am a devout sayer of the Rosary though I am not Catholic.

6. I will not eat iceberg lettuce.

7. I often throw pennies away because they are an annoying piece of currency.

8. oh my goodness I can't think of a last random fact....sorry.

Inner shut down

I spent last weekend in Omaha, NE (yes, Omaha) for a Young Dems meeting. It was a smaller group than normal but that was ok because it was mostly people I like. :-) The bad part was being sick...have had a sinus infection or something for over a week. I finally started on antibiotics on Friday and slowly they are helping. I loaded up with lots o drugs and pushed through the weekend. The highlight was the Saturday night Roast of outgoing president, Chris Gallaway. The people roasting did a great job but NO ONE was safe--we all got blasted in some form or another. I brought poster board and markers and made signs so we could heckle the folks on stage. It was great!! My favorite sign said "NOT FUNNY." It really threw people off. We laughed so hard Saturday night...it was a good time.

This was my last go-round chairing Resolutions. It's been a great appointment for me. During General Session, I presented 5 resolutions, none of them controversial. Then, a member from Texas piped up and freakin ripped me in front of the entire national committee--saying that one of the resolutions wasn't professional and we were being foolish and stupid. I was ticked off, to say the least. After she reamed me, people were like WTF is she talking about?? I spoke to her after the meeting, not so nicely explaining to her the process in which resolutions are written and submitted. I told her if she had a problem with what I was doing then she should have come to the meeting and brought up the issue there. She was all like, oh--I didn't know. Bull. She said she wasn't trying to be critical or anything....uh huh, so that's why she took snotty & condescending tone and attacked ME in front of the national committee? Yeah. Let's see how far that gets her.
Ok...enough raving.

So even though I was soooo sick during the weekend I pushed through it and managed to attend all my meetings. I got home Sunday night and crashed. My body shut down! I slept close to 20 hours on Monday and most of Tuesday as well. I got up to take drugs and drink water and that's about it. I hope to go to work tomorrow because I have major catching up to do.

Matti and I are going back to bed (that's my cat....)
Peace!!

Vibes

I don't keep up with the solar system and full moons and such, but there are some WEIRD freakin vibes in the atmosphere right now. It's making people act differently, strangely, and unusually bitter. I tell ya--if I could have one superpower, it would be a lightening bolt so I could zap people in the ass when they act up. Let me tell you, the bolt would be thrown big time right now! The more and more I'm around people, the more I want to hibernate in a snug little cabin deep in the forests of Maine. Sigh.

Resigned

Hey folks, it's been a few weeks since my last post. I had to get a final paper done for my class then enjoyed a few days of down time. I spent last week in New York visiting my family and showing a friend around NYC. We had a great time (and are thoroughly exhausted). It was SOO good to see my brothers and their families. I needed that.

Anyone remember that saying, "well behaved women rarely make history"? I admit it, I'm a bit of a rebel. I'm outspoken, opinionated, strong willed...somehow, that's a threat to some of the people around me. For the past few years I have served on a local non-profit board. I have always been proud of being a part of this group and I think I did a lot for & with them. However, I didn't agree with the leadership 100% and wasn't willing to be a "Yes" woman. Long story short...last night it was STRONGLY encouraged that I ponder my future with this board and in essence, resign. I did resign, allowing them to save face but also taking a moment to say what I needed to say before cutting the ties. Am I upset? Yes. I have a strong belief in being part of the change I wish to see in the world (another great quote). But, apparently this was not the time or the place to accomplish some of those changes. I wish them well, I really do, and I think in time they will realize exactly how valuable I was. So there. :-)

I've been tagged

Amanda Lucia got me....Yes, I was tagged. This means I get to write a blog posting answering the following:
Six things that make me weird..........Only 6?? Here goes. Number One--My blog program doesn't allow me to hit "enter" to start things on a new line, which is why my sentences and paragraphs tend to all run together. Don't ask why, I don't know why. It just hates me. Number Two: I can't stand the sight of milk trucks. Like, the big semi-rigs going down the highway with "refrigerated" tanks on the back, filled with milk. GROSSES me out more than just about anything. I will only buy milk that comes straight from a dairy farm where they bottle it themselves. Number Three: I am fascinated with studying the Latter Day Saints (AKA Mormons). I read a lot of Mormon history and church related news/articles. Number Four: I think lemon slices in glasses of water is disgusting. I don't know who invented citrus fruit in water but I hate it. I will send the glass of water back. Number Five: I collect tacky Jesus magnets. My favorite is "I found Jesus, He was behind the sofa the whole time!" Number Six: I am mildly obsessive compulsive, mostly when it comes to the texture and feel of things. Like, if I touch the inside of my palm with my finger, I have to touch the other palm in the same manner. Sometimes I can't touch notebook paper because of how it feels. I have to put on lotion before I touch the paper. Yeah, I'm weird, you can go ahead and say it. Ok, so there it is...I was tagged. Thanks, Mandy! Happy almost graduation sweetie!!!